One with the lot.

I'm sorry to say I didn't take this photograph, but I would have if
I'd been there, please click to enlarge.


Check out this awesome photo - this one deserves an award. Fireworks,
Lightning, Sunset, a Comet, and the greatest of Aussie icons, the 
Beach all in one image.


In addition to the obvious features in the photo, look between the two
displays of lighting up the sky to see the third - McNaught's Comet.
(about center of photo just below the clouds.)

The photo was taken in Perth WA, just north of Hillary's Marina, which 
you can see the harbour wall on the left with fireworks being launched.



Revenge.

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on
the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and
asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have
the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the
girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber, THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and
asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my
parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and
Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll
give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will
go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when
Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie
with Mum and catch the disease…..

and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"

Puns can be Phunny

I thought this was Phunny.

Rejected password.

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed..... P... E... N.... I... S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** .

(I wonder if he had Small cox as a child?)

Brewster the Rooster.

Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters. The roosters were there for one purpose-to fertilize the eggs. Uncle John kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot to be cooked for supper. The unfortunate victims were then replaced by another, hopefully, more productive candidate.

Now this took an enormous amount of time. So when Uncle John found a set of eight tiny bells (that each rang a different tone), he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep.

Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter.

His favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was and yet as Uncle John sat listening, Brewster's bell did not ring at all that morning. He went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.

But Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Uncle John was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.

They not only awarded him;

the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

Melting Silver.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

A Dog Named Mace.

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass.

He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Gandhi.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what?

A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Chicken. (I borrowed (stole it actually) this one from MissCellania.)

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library.

She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time.

The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

What do you see?

You can't always believe what you see at first glance



picture 1................picture 2................picture 3



picture 4.................picture 5

Some of you no doubt saw the images here for what they are, others
will get quite a surprise when they study the larger images, I never
cease to be amazed by this sort of thing and marvel at the creative
minds that come up with them in the first place.




The enlargement of picture 1, what a lovely face.

The enlargement of picture 2, another beautiful girl.

The enlargement of picture 3, it's hard to see the original image once
you see the enlargement.

The enlargement of picture 4, do you see more faces??

The enlargement of picture 5, notice the reclining figure??


Not for any special reason just coz I like it, heres a joke.

Unusual Illness.

On their Wedding Night a young couple left the church and arrived
at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their
honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife Asked, "Ewww
what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

“No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled
up her nose.

"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his
underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...........

"Smallcox?"

From the world wide resourses of holtieshouse

I need to thank my dedicated team of research assistants for their
tireless efforts to locate the best stuff to help me amuse my loyal
readers.

Hope you enjoyed your cereal this morning was the caption
(Thanks Jules)

Not My Job, No other explanation necessary here. (Thanks Sandy)

Elite Chicken Farmer. (Thanks Lyle)

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks "What is your occupation?"

She replies " I'm a whore"

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer".

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

New Wine for Seniors. (Thanks Robyn)

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

"

"

"

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.

URGENT WARNING. (Thanks Lyle)

I hate people that forward too many warnings, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on lice and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around a pole, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.....

Emails. (Thanks Sandy)

There have been many times when I may have

Disturbed you...

Irritated you...

Bugged you...

Occasionally amused you

With my e-mails...

But today

I just wanna tell you, 

Because you are my friend ... 

“  

“

“

“

I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!! 

The Blonde in the Casino  (Thanks Suzie)


An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand 
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 
completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down, 
rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed ...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" 
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and 
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The others answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, 

BUT ALL MEN ARE MEN.



Emergency call.      (Thanks Jan)

"Send someone over quick! " the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

Donkey Raffle. (Thanks Marcus)

A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

I would have included some of my mate Wazza's contributions here
but unfortunately even my censors wouldn't pass any of it, and you
know how lax my censors are!!!!

Suffice it to say that without my contributors, not all of whom are
bloggers, and not forgetting my most consistent one ANONYMOUS
this blog would have probably ceased to exist long ago,
THANK YOU ALL.

A Mixed Grill.

Just in case any readers are not familiar with the shape of
Australia I have included a map.


A puddle in a country road which bears an amazing resemblance to the
map shown above, based on the roadside growth and the soil type, I
would guess that the photo was taken in SA

Top 45 Oxymoron’s.

45... Act naturally
44... Found missing
43... Resident alien
42... Advanced BASIC
41... Genuine imitation
40... Airline Food
39... Good grief
38... Same difference
37... Almost exactly
36... Government organization
35... Sanitary landfill
34... Alone together
33... Legally drunk
32... Silent scream
31... Living dead
30... Small crowd
29... Business ethics
28... Soft rock
27... Butt Head
26... Military Intelligence
25... Software documentation
24... New classic
23... Sweet sorrow
22... Childproof
21... "Now, then ..."
20... Synthetic natural gas
19... Passive aggression
18... Taped live
17... Clearly misunderstood
16... Peace force
15... Extinct Life
14... Temporary tax increase
13... Computer jock
12... Plastic glasses
11... Terribly pleased
10... Computer security
9.... Political science
8.... Tight slacks
7.... Definite maybe
6.... Pretty ugly
5.... Twelve-ounce pound cake
4.... Diet ice cream
3.... Working vacation
2.... Exact estimate
1.... Microsoft Works

Too soon we forget.

An elderly couple was getting ready for bed one night. The wife turned to her husband and said, "I'm just so hungry for ice cream, and there isn't any in the house."
"I'll go get you some," her husband offered.
"You're a dear," she said. "I want vanilla with chocolate sauce. Write this down, or you'll forget."
"I won't forget," he said.
"With whipped cream and nuts," she continued. "Please write it down, or you'll forget."
"Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and nuts," he repeated.
"And a cherry too," she said. "You will never remember all this. You always forget. Please write it down."
"I won't forget," he insisted. "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts and a cherry on top."
The husband went off and returned after a long while with a paper bag. He handed the bag to his wife in bed. She opened up the bag and pulled out a ham sandwich.
"I TOLD you to write it down," she snapped. "You forgot the mustard!"

My thanks to Sandy (AIP) for contributing this one.

Perfect children.

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice.. pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

My sister Merle posted this joke recently, it’s too good to be restricted to one run.

Mike is Dead.

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did you hear the news – Mike is dead ??”

“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom –He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die !!”

“No no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him at all. So he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible !!”

“No no that didn’t kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out on to the landing. He ties to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go !!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him, he survived that. So, he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached a big pot of boiling water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.”

“Man, what a way to go !!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that. He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now, that is one awful way to go !!”

“No no, he survived that . . . . ”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die ?”

“I shot him !!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for ?”

“He was wrecking my house !!”

Dr. Suess and the Computer.

Similar... but somehow different.

Dr. Seuss Computer Poem.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and go and tell your mom!

A Bad Day.

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grab his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the truck driver says. "I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with our gardener."

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my damn poison!"

THE WEDDING TEST.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said , "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car

Canada, home of the free.

A friend took this great picture of Canada's tallest building recently,
I think it's called twin peaks or something like that, great shot eh?




I'm going to plead the Fifth Amendment for the following article,
I have had to put up with the pleasure of Wazza's company for
three days, this always puts some strain on my mental capacity
(and hearing) HE'S STILL LOUD, but on the positive side he's
great company too.

Well it's New Years Eve in Oz so I'd like to wish you all;

........ HAPPY NEW YEAR.........

Beer contains female hormones.

Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the results of
a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in
beer.Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into
women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a
1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking
too much beer!

Four Friends.

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at
a party after several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb
the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line
Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in! the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave
away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing
as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand
new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

SUPER TRUCK

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, It's SUPER TRUCK

I just love this.... OK, so I'm easily amused.

Who thinks this sort of stuff up though, are they brilliant or stupid?

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH...

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house
today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine
looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop
of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says.......

"Grandpa....Go home, you're drunk."

Best Viagra story of the month.

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A
slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she again asked if he would like something. "How would
you like a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire
for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken?

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

The body is meant to be seen,
not all covered up.

Sex is part of nature.
I go along with nature.

Island Life

One of the best features of a tropical island is how it sharpens
your eyesight.

Island Life.

A retired corporate executive decided to take a vacation.

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branch and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable, ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few hours of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls out off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home sit down, please.
Would you like a drink?"

"No. No, thank you," he says, still dazed.
"Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies.
"I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and flowers strategically positioned, and smelling of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her!
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
been out here for a really long time.
You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like
doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months?"

She stares into his eyes and takes his hand in hers...

He can't believe what he's hearing.

He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes, and says,

"You mean...............

I can check my e-mail from here?" OR
In Peter's case..... I can check my blog?

My mate WAZZA (THE LOUD ONE) sent me this, guess he knows
me too well.

Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking"

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town, If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."

What good is it being Marilyn Monroe?

Why can't I just be an ordinary woman?

A woman who can have a family ...

I'd settle for just one baby.

My own baby.

Sex on Planet Mars.

Here are three faces that we all recognize.

These appear to be circulating again and are still funny.

Bumper stickers.

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

2. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

3. Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

4. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

5. Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

6. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

7. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

8. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

9. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

10. Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

12. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

13. Grow your own dope, plant a man.

14. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

15. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

16. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

17. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

18. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

Sex on MARS.

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough
frequent flier miles, Mike and Maureen land on Mars.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all
sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock
market, if they have laptop computers, how they make
money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to
swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and
just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

''Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it
looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow...."

''No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until
the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and have
mad, passionate sex. The next day the couples rejoin
their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn
good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

It's better for the whole world to know you,

even as a sex star,

than never to be known at all.

Virus Warning.

Let's get back to blogging.

I've been so engrossed with sorting out Bloglines and FeedDemon for the last few days I've lost sight of the fact that I started this blog so that I could share my wit with you, so once again it's back to the fray.


There is a solution to every problem... not always a pleasant one.

TAKE CARE...... BE WARNED....THIS IS REAL....
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will cause your toilet to flush while you are showering.

It will drink ALL your beer.

For God's Sake, Are You Listening??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart
so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!!
And look at you….

You're on the computer!!!!

Murphy was an optimist opportunist.

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!". Says one.

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

It's not true I had nothing on,


I had the radio on.

The Game?? of Golf

Update; nothing to do with golf!! I have posted about Steve irwin's
Australia Zoo over at Peters Pictures, for anyone interested there's
a link on my sidebar..... Over and Out.

Tiger Woods new yatch... adds a new dimension to
"Out Of Bounds"



Golf… or a good walk spoiled!!

There was a time in my life when the game of golf held an attraction that I found hard to resist, not that golf and I ever became real friends, more like adversaries in a very one sided battle.

I had the misfortune to be left handed at this game and played with the curse of nearly all left handers, a slice, after spending a lot of time trying to cure this fault all to no avail, I gradually found myself compensating for it more and more.

It got to the stage where I would face about 30 degrees to the right of the target area, hit my very reliable slice and finish up where I wanted to be….. Unless there was a carelessly planted tree or other obstruction in the way of my balls gentle arc.

When this was the case there was often catastrophic results, the other failing of playing with and to this slice was the distance my ball traveled taking into account the arc that it covered was quite respectable, but in terms of A to B it was greatly reduced.

There was also the danger that I would hit one straight shot every now and again, very often resulting in a lost ball, who can keep track of a golf ball that goes in a totally un-expected direction?

For the last 30 years, since I learned that masochism is something enjoyed more by the young, I have only been tempted back onto a golf course half a dozen times, and while, joy of joys, I have un-learned my slice to a large degree, I have developed new muscles that rebel badly when I decide to exercise them.

So I am now reduced to golf humour (Oh shut up spell check it’s got a bloody U in it here in Oz) to get my enjoyment from the game.

Some very good reasons to play golf.

Golf Jokes.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.

"Wow!"said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

Joe said "well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?"

Phil replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"

One day a man is having a terrible day of golf. At the first hole he hooks the ball out into the rough. As he wanders through the rough, he finds another golf ball. Not thinking, he picks it up and puts it in his pocket. On his very next swing he slices off into the rough again. As he wanders off to find his ball, he finds another lost golf ball and pockets it like the first. This continues for the entire front nine. Finally, after finding 10 or so golf balls, he decides to call it a day and head home. On his way home he stops at the local 7-11 to drown his sorrows with a Big Gulp. As he approaches the cashier, a young woman, he notices that she is staring at his crotch. He looks down and sees the bulges from all the golf balls he has collected.

"Oh, don't mind that," he explains to the cashier. "They're just golf balls."

The cashier replies, "Boy, if that's anything like tennis elbow, I'll bet it really hurts!"

Bob is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Joe just finishing his round. Bob notices that Joe is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bob asks Joe how he got so wet. Joe tells the following story:

That day, Joe had played golf for the first time with bi-focal glasses. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. So, Joe said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life.

Bob said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"

"Well," said Joe, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back."

Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

Little Johnny walks up to him and says, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the young boy is being silly and that an answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, Little Johnny walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life!!"

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi greenkeeper, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

Greenkeeper: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

“Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee please.”

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me, I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, “Would the man on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee PLEASE.”

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the guy yelled,

“Would the man on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee PLEASE.”

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands and shouted back,

“Would the person in the clubhouse PLEASE shut up and let me play my second shot.”