"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Video Store & Other Adventures

Video Store Episode;

While I was at the local video store yesterday the two lovely ladies there were chuckling away about something, when I enquired what they found so amusing they told me of a customer, let’s call him male, who was poring over the adult movies with a magnifying glass.

We discussed this briefly and it appears his eyesight seemed to be quite normal while looking at other sections; I had been concerned that they might be making fun of one who was visually challenged.

When I returned my selection today I took along my rather large magnifying glass and discretely asked if they could direct me to the adult section, I thought they were both going to burst a blood vessel with their laughter.

Don’t you just love it when a plan comes together like that, we compared the images on a few covers both with and without the aid of my magnifying glass, they said mine was much larger than his, to be honest unless you focused on a very specific image I didn’t think it was worthwhile. Hmmmm.

My selected movie by the way was, Batman Begins, I had heard good reports and found them to be correct, I enjoyed the movie, perhaps a 7 out of 10.


Skinny dipping;

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for many years.
He has a dam in the back paddock, fixed up really great; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts and some mango and avocado trees.

The dam was properly shaped and set up for swimming when it was originally built.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the back paddock and
check out the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He took a five gallon bucket with him, to bring back some fruit.

As the neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and lots of laughter.

As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam towards the deep end of the dam.

One of the women called out "We're not coming out until you go away."

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down to perve on you ladies swimming naked, or to make you get out of the dam."

Holding up the bucket, he said, "I just come down to feed the crocodile."

Moral of the story...

Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.


The Carjacking;

An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why, a few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down, she loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were laid.


New Parishioners;

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from sex for one whole month," the couple agreed.

Two-and-a-half weeks later, they returned to the Church, when the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable.. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon, we were browsing in the hardware store, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Bunning's either.

2 comments:

Cliff Morrow said...

Good job at the video store. Those two will love to see you come in there from now on.

Maria said...

What a great sense of humor. I know those ladies will never forget you and that your story will become legend.

Thanks also for the great senior jokes. Bob always likes to start Officer Club meetings with a joke or two, so I am sending them to his computer (in the next room)for consideration. I know he will love them.