Blog Stats.

Holtieshouse Stats.

A recent readers comment sent me scurrying to my stats only to find to my amazement that there
have been a little over 80,000 “hits” on this site during its short lifetime (3 years come April).

What is even more amazing is that just over 8,000 of the people visiting have made a comment,
this figure is obtained, in blogger at least, from the “edit posts” section where the number of
comments made on each post is shown, now just add ‘em all up.

I am really stoked to think that 10% of my visitors felt the post they read was worthy of a
comment, BTW in the first 6 months I got only 400 comments (thanks Merle, Marcus, Maria,
& a couple of others who have since disappeared) this means the next 2 years brought in over
7,500 comments, WOW!!!!

Blogging for me has never been about the figures, its always been the friendships that have
been important, but I can’t help but be surprised by, and proud of, those figures too.

Quite apart from the decision to cut back on blogging, for the past 3 or 4 days I have lost
even more interest and not just in blogging, any of you who have ever had a kidney stone
(renal colic) will understand my lack of interest in world affairs as I have snuggled into
my own little world of pain, for those of you who have not had the joy of a kidney stone,
I pray that your luck holds out forever.

During an attack there is no place on earth that is comfortable, under a warm shower
is about as close as I have been able to find, then you are faced with the fun of drying
a pain wracked body, this is the same pain that makes your normally comfortable bed
feel more like the infamous bed of nails.

About the only other place that I've been able to find any semblance of comfort is in
a recliner lounge chair, I must admit though I made a serious mistake on the first
night that I spent in my recliner chair.... I reclined the chair... wonderful, almost
comfortable and I did get a few hours sleep... BUT.... came the time for getting out of
the chair.... my pain wracked body wouldn't allow me to exert sufficient pressure to
collapse the chair back to an upright position.

For the next ten minutes I tried in vain to rise from what had now become my not
so comfortable chair, eventually I managed to wriggle myself far enough to get
my feet over the sides of the extended foot rest and painfully force my body
into an upright position, with my weight removed from the chair it was a very
simple operation to return the back of the chair to the upright position.

I will forgive you if you had a chuckle over that last paragraph, even I can smile
about it now, but for the time that I was trapped in that chair humour was at
the very bottom of my scale of emotions.

Ah, the joy of living alone!!!!!!!!

A Perfect Post

The lovely Miss Cellania has been kind enough to award my post "A day in the life of a
farmers wife" her Perfect Post Award I obviously have to share this with my favourite
Daughter for her involvement and also Son in law Rex for convincing her that photos for
her Dad's blog were a priority.
My humble thanks to all of you.


We interrupt this post to bring you an important announcement: My Perfect Post
Award for December goes to Holtie’s House for the post A Day in the LIfe of a Farmer’s
Wife. It’s an interesting story, and the punchline shows that Peter’s daughter is just as sweet and
crazy as he is!

The Blog

I was just sitting here ruminating, (no wait on that’s what cows do isn’t it?) I’ll try… thinking, about what little gem of wisdom I could drop into the blog pool today when it came to me that while at times the quality is spread pretty thin at holtieshouse there is at least a fair bit of variety.

While I try to keep an underlying theme of humor a quick browse of my last 20
posts will substantiate my claim of variety:

There was a fashion review of a new range of underwear/swimwear.

A humble post about the number of visitors to holtieshouse.

A True Stories Series covering a diverse range of subjects from, sheep, cars,
house painting, dogs, and fossilized old poop.

Recognition of my quirkiness and my perfection.

Profound observations about a group of young people…. NO, not stalking.

Celebration of rain in a parched land.

A visit by Wazza, always worthy of a post.

A poignant look at the disappearance of a local lad 3 years ago.

A look at a typical Aussie town.

A “tear-jerker” we need to flush our sinuses and emotions at times.

A humorous visit to a chat room.

A pictorial look at some odd vehicles.

A pictorial look at some life threatening situations.

A humorous look at life.

Well OK we can spot a few instances where inspiration was a bit lacking but
never-the-less its hard to deny there is variety a plenty.

There is something here that keeps a loyal band of fellow bloggers visiting,
I am always aware of, and amazed by that fact, especially knowing that so many
of my posts could well begin with; “I’ve got nothing.” such a lot of what I put
into holtieshouse is spur of the moment stuff that just seems to grow… like Topsy.

While I find that I cannot compete with those of my buddies who are “Writers”
or those who are truly “Funny” I do take heed of what these talented people have
to say and my life (and perhaps even my blog) becomes a little better for it,

I thank them for their efforts.

Two Irish Pigs.

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart"

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your pig has chewed the ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av an ear"

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said "Your pig has chewed the other ear offa my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears!" "How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one tail."

"Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY!" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE EVER GONNA TELL 'EM APART?!"

"Ah fook it!" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."

Editors note;

“Ah tat’d be grand “ I think

Quirky but Perfect

Another Gem.














Tis the season to be honored, tra la lah lah la...

First Stuart from Gardening tips 'n' ideas asked me to be the judge of his competition searching for the Quirkiest Planter, I've mentioned Stuart's blog before but now would be a good time to go for another look, you might be able to win a prize too.

There were parts of Stuart's email that I thought could have been left
unsaid... like;

Fortunately for us, Peter (like his son) is not a gardener - but he
does know quirky when he sees it. So his choice of the overall winner
will be completely objective - we hope!!

But with that said, I am honored to do my quirkiest best.

(Hey I wonder If I could win this myself?  Nah, that would look a bit
sus... wait a minute though I could be bribed by somebody else
though with promises of great wealth or... sexual favors.... Nah
better play by the rules...)

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE.

To top of my day, along comes my ol' buddy Hoss with this news;

Dear Peter:

For your great b**g concerning pregnancy and the "middle wife," I am
awarding you a Perfect Post. This is the brainchild of MommaK and
Lucinda (http://petroville.com and
http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com) We selectors get to choose a
fine post once a month. Yours is the finest for May, according to me.

Now this would be flattering no matter who it came from but from
but coming from The Master B****er himself that is praise indeed,
I humbly thank you for it Hoss.

So Aussie.

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, "Julia I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea Opposition Leader, how will we go about it?" said Julia.

"Well," said Rudd, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush."

"Right ," said Julia. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G,day mate," said Rudd, to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Opposition Leader," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and ,lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and, lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the Barman over.

"Tell me," said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went 'n told 'em there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

(Kevin Rudd is the leader of the opposition party and Julia Gillard is the deputy leader here in Australia, but feel free to insert names of your own choice.)

Aint Words Grand.

First thing I want to do today is to thank all the people who were kind
enough to nominate HoltiesHouse for The Best Australian or New
Zealand award, I only know the identity of two, MissCellania and
Raggedy, Thank you, also I want to thank each and everyone who
voted for HoltiesHouse in the Weblog Awards.
To be nominated and then become a finalist has been a humbling
experience, and then to have all the congratulations from those of you
who have voted for my site was quite overwhelming.
The content that I choose probably gives the impression of nonchalance
and no doubt has you wondering at times just what sort of person
would go to some of the places I go, the only answer I can give is a
caring and fundamentally nice person.... OH... Bloody Hell,

my altar ego is back, try as I might
I just don't seem to be able to
keep him down.

Ah well, he's good for a laugh
every now and then I guess.





The Washington Post publishes a contest for readers in which they are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver.

Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood.

Spatula: n. A fight among vampires.

Excruciate: n., the ligament that attaches your ex-wife to your paycheck.

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie theater.

Population: n., that nice sensation you get when drinking soda.

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.

Ineffable: adj., describes someone you absolutely cannot swear in front of.

Pontificate: n., a document given to each graduating pope.

Pimple: n., pimp's apprentice.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Flattery: n., a place that manufactures A and B cup brassieres only.

Cabbage Patch: A patch for those trying to stop eating cabbage.

Sudafed: A software program on how to file a civil action against the government.

Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.

Oral-B: Monica's grade on her last intern evaluation.

The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Tumfoolery: When a middle-aged man sucks in his stomach while being introduced to an attractive woman

Fadavers: Last year's hot fads.

Main Geeze: How an elderly, unmarried couple refer to each other.

Polarvoid: The state of having no baby pictures, a condition that usually befalls the second-born child.

Dozie: The lie a person tells when a telephone caller wakes him up and he denies that he was sleeping.

Hooternanny: The au pair you thought was especially promising, but your wife sent back to the agency.

Alexpandria: A town known for its buffet restaurants.

Apocalypstic: The little smudge I came home with on my collar that makes my wife act like it's the end of the world.

Defenestraction: A ruse to divert the cop's attention while you throw the evidence out the window.

Accimental: Caused by a Freudian slip.

Algaebra: What the Little Mermaid wears over her chest.

Aliass: A body double for a nude scene.

Arbyss: The deepest part of the stomach, reserved for two Giant Roast Beefs, large Curly Fries and a chocolate shake.

Avant-harde: Before the Cialis kicks in.

Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.

Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.

A lot of you will have seen this stuff before, that doesn't make it
any less funny, and if we find a few who haven't seen it, that's
a bonus.