Things people say

I don't even know who a couple of these people are, but that doesn't mean they're not funny.

Funny bits and pieces

 Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell
is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through
their noses when they're eating sandwiches.--Jim Carrey

 Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery.
Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one??
Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God
or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?--Jon Stewart

 I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out,
I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.--
Elayne Boosler

 I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting
a hit out on myself.--Judy Tenuta

 Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of
alphabet soup?--John Mendoza

 Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp.--Bob Ettinger

 I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was
getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same
station. I actually bought a congressman.--Bruce Baum

 I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability
to use language that makes him the dominant species on the
planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that
separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum
cleaners.--Jeff Stilson

 Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.--Sue Murphy

 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you.—Rita Mae Brown

 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you
do the wash.--Jerry Seinfeld

 I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.
There you go. I think my mother is attractive,
but I have photographs of her.--Ellen DeGeneres

 USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently
three out of four people make up 75 percent of the
population.--David Letterman

 If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes
Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.... Jay Leno

 A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she
sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'--Jake Johansen

 I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.--Lily Tomlin

 The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's
go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back
off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' – Jerry Seinfeld

 Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner.--Lynda Montgomery

 Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography. --Paul Rodriguez

 And always remember the last words of my grandfather,
who said, 'A truck!' --Emo Phillips

 My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything
because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.' --Judy Tenuta

 If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down t
he video camera and come help me.--Bobcat Goldthwait