"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Santa’s New Contract



A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully:



I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the current, overwhelming population of Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Wisconsin & Minnesota. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now
overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . . "when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you are also likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh has a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." The last I heard, the sleigh also had other decorations on back as well. One is Ford Logo with lights that race through the letters, and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing
Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will include Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," and "Grandma Got Run'd Over By a Reindeer."

Sincerely,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

16 comments:

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Oh, this is too good. Bubba Buttcrack. Chortle, snicker...

deni said...

Hi, came here from Ms. Vickie's place.

Hmm, I live in Pennsylvania, does this mean Santa isn't coming this year? :(

Those dern elves.

bubba said...

Another gut buster. I love it.

Deb Sistrunk said...

I just came over from Vickie's. I love this! It's definitely a keeper. Great writing and absolutely funny. Thanks! I'll be back for another visit to this cool site.

Deb Sistrunk said...

By the way, you'd better lock down Santa's RC and pork rinds (and the moon pie, too.) If I get to them first, they're mine!

But wait. Santa's packin'. Never mind.

Ms. Vickie said...

The south is always changing something here we go one more time. Peter today is my post about Christmas in Australia. As you can see you were linked and some of my visitors have been over already.

deni said...

I'm plannin on bribing Santa with a big old Ham Sandwhich on Rye bread and a bottle of beer.

I asked Santa for a special present this year, he needs to come here. :)

Theresa said...

Thank GAWD I live in Michigan! LOL!

Jamie Dawn said...

I like Bubba Claus!! Yee Haw!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

TeeHee! But, heck, I live in Pennsylvania. We're left out. Sh*t! Hey, Claus, I got beer. I got popcorn. Santa stop here! I'll be real nice...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Damn organized labor!

Ivy the Goober said...

But I don't WANNA Bubba Claus! (throwing myself on the floor having a tantrum)

Cliff Morrow said...

We've had some trouble with the IBDW. (International Brotherhood of Diminutive Workers)
Seems I ordered a BMW from Santa last year and the elves sent me a b.m. shaped like a W.
At least it was frozen.
Great stuff Peter.

Big Dave T said...

Way to go, Santa. Michigan here awaits.

Though Bubba Claus sounds interesting too.+

Peter said...

Hi all,Bubba Claus seemed popular with some, but the more traditional among us would probably opt for Santa!

Santa Claus said...

I am concerned about this "urban myth" that continues to pervade the web. Please know that I am prepared to visit each and every home with qualifying requests to be filled.

Merry Christmas, all!

- Santa

Santa Claus
CEO, North Pole Inc.
www.clauschronicles.blogspot.com