"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Modern Communications

Don’t you just love the internet, www, email, and blogging, how did we ever

manage to stay in touch with others before all this cyberspace technology.

Sure there has been a postal service almost forever, there have been

telephones, remember when they all relied on a landline, BC, (before cells.)

But did we ever use these means of communication like we now use

electronics ?

The amount of stuff that flies through the airwaves now would surely
amaze our forebears, or even ourselves some 10/20 years ago.

Leave out Christmas and Birthday greetings I used to get maybe 20

personal letters and 100 bills and business letters per year, I still get the

bills, sadly, but instead of the other “mail” I now get 20/30 electronic

contacts per day,

I don’t believe I have suddenly become so much more popular, it seems

there is just so much stuff floating around “out there” that some just falls

into our system each day, perhaps it’s too heavy a load to stay circulating

so it drops in on us whether we want it or not.


Thank you for your emails




I wish to express my thanks to all those who forwarded such informative

e-mails, for instance, the one about rats in the glue on envelopes because I

now have to use a wet towel for every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I want to

thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your

chain letters over the past 12 months.

You have made me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your

concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper , since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be

pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a

water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume sample and rob me I no longer receive packages from UPS

or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a

number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,

Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and

leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of blood.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my

free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have

their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking

out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I

forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about

to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive

the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating

in their special e-mail program.


Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now

return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM

(CST) this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,

causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it

actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's

ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

13 comments:

bubba said...

Good one Peter.

LZ Blogger said...

Peter - I think I see the large dove swooping in now! Have to RUN! LOVED THE POST! ~ jb///

Big Dave T said...

Can't drink Coke or Pepsi? I know the University of Michigan here made the national news because it has banned Coke from campus. Something about working conditions in third world countries.

Carolyn said...

Oh my gawd! It's the great email forwarding curse! Now I know why the skies are a little shi**y looking here today!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Does the beautician's hairy hump look best in braids, or just combed out? I need to know soon, because it already is 2:30 p.m. CST.

Karen said...

I do like getting emails and snail mail cards, the bills I can do without. I can also do without the spam and chain email. Good one!

Have a great day :-D

FTS said...

Been in the spam again, Peter? You gotta quit eating that stuff...

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Oh. My. God. I'm doomed. DOOMED. We're all doomed.
It's true. I read it on the 'net.

Jamie Dawn said...

This is so grrreat!!!
Sounds like you no longer have a life due to having to avoid all the things you've been warned about by email.
It's a good thing you will end up in the bath (with a kidney removed) since you smell like a buffalo.

kenju said...

Don't you just love emails like that?!

Hale McKay said...

Praise the Lord (Can I say that in comments to a blog?) for the power of the informative e-mail. We would still be in the dark ages. At least the Phantom still uses Monkey Mail and Pygmy drums.

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ Thanks for your comments. Has Margaret had her son's funeral yet? Do hope so.
I liked Bubba's comment too and have printed it.
Some of your jokes are funny, well most of them!!
Cheers.!!!

Lew said...

Peter,
That is one post I wish I had written. By your comments I can see it resonated with everyone. I especially likd the last paragraph.
Good stuff.