"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

How Was Your Day? Asshole!


Can anyone spot a conflict of interest here?


You Had A Bad Day, Asshole!


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know --
take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the
wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called
her. I had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her
phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the
'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an
asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic
'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and
said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm
just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the
spot I had patiently waited for... I hit the horn and yelled that
I had been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed
a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole
( I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call
the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and
the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable
as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen..."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with
my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better
start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over
there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down
on
West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

When I got there, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and
the channel 13 news crew.


It Started.

Jake came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife, Sarah, "Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts."

Sarah looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When Jake finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."

This time, Sarah looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer.

When it was gone, Jake said, "Quick, another beer before
it starts."

That's it!" Sarah blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz
in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me
and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't
you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all
day long?"

Jake sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."



20 comments:

Miss Cellania said...

Classics. Love 'em! "It's started" started my day with a laugh!

kenju said...

LOVE the cartoon, Peter. I think I wrote that book....LOL

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Great story, Peter. I'm glad those two assholes found each other.

LZ Blogger said...

Peter ~ What a way to start a POST! It does grab your ATTENTION though! I thought... "I better post here more often!" Then maybe I won't get this kind of reception! :-) ~ jb///

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

I like the first joke and sometimes I think that more people would like to do that, if they had the guts.
It's better than yelling at your wife or husband.

Jeanette said...

Hi Peter
Liked the cartoon and the jokes those 2 assholes I had a good chuckle.
Take care, Jan

bornfool said...

I love that first story. I heard it a couple of years ago and it still makes me laugh.

Crazedmomof4 said...

LOL Funny! :D+

The Heir said...

true story. good stuff.
thought you mite like to know that Im cutting the dreads off next week to fundraise for my trip to greece. I will send you some photo's of the process.

Meow said...

Brilliant jokes today, Peter ... you always find great ones.
Hope you have had a great week, and will have a wonderful weekend.
Take care, Meow

JunieRose2005 said...

That last one is funny-and -so true too!

Lol- just proves who it is that STARTS stuff!!


June

Norvona said...

Hilarious post, Peter. Too funny!! I've got to remember the 'asshole' story.

I saw that you had visited my blog and saw the lighting picture. I’m pleased with it, but found a very, very tiny lizard outside yesterday and a tiny ladybug in my bathroom sink this morning, so I’m off on something new! I think I’ll make a collage with them and the praying mantis from a few days ago. That Entomology class I took in college a hundred years ago must have stuck with me. LOL

Have a great weekend, and I look forward to hearing that all goes well with Margaret’s blogsite. I know from experience that writing can be a very healing exercise.

Take care...
Norvona

Christina said...

Hahahahahahahahaha!

good laughs

Jim said...

Those are pretty funny.
Thanks for the nice comment tonight. There probably will be more like that.
Maybe not right now, I don't want people to get bored with it all.
Jokes are a pleasant relief.
..

DellaB said...

What conflict of interest?

Seems like they are both on the same wavelength,at least - thats a start...

:-)
Della

Big Dave T said...

I should try to get you the phone number of the dude on the bicycle who tore after me hurling obscenities the whole time. Seems he thought I was trying to cut him off when I pulled into a driveway (I was just pulling in to turn around). He definitely qualifies as a jerk.

Jamie Dawn said...

Hello!!!
Jake of the "it's staeted" joke needs a swift kick in his lazy rear end.
Some people truly are a-holes and probably should be reminded on a regular basis.

I won't be posting until Tuesday or Wed. My parents and brother left just a few hours ago. I have my test on Monday afternoon. I will have much to share after that.
Have a nice weekend!

Jack K. said...

Peter, thanks.

I didn't realize I needed to laugh this much. I remember the asshole joke from about a year ago. It is even funnier this time around.

Thanks again.

I'll be back.

Kelvin said...

What's your number Peter, I'll give you a call from across the ditch !!! (hehe)

Have finally reached 40 blogs on our blog Around The World In 80 Blogs

Take the phone off the hook !!!

Hale McKay said...

I haven't had a good laugh like that in a while. The "Asshole" story was the fix I needed. Thanks, Dr. Holtie.