"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Beating the Tourism Drum




I feel compelled to do a follow up post on
“Lets Look at Australia”







This is due in some part to the concerns of potential visitors who might be put off by small details about our country that were shown therein.

Once more I feel the need to refer any readers who have not already visited my “disclaimer” please do so, it’s located at the foot of the posts and comes under the heading of required reading, thank you.

For the record I want to say I took the threat of legal action by the Australian Tourist Bureau on board, gave it due consideration, and dis-missed it as typical bureaucratic chest thumping whose threats of incarceration could be safely ignored on the basis that I would probably have passed on to the great adventure in the sky by the time they got their act into gear anyway.

First and foremost, on the subject of “The Stick” don’t bother to bring your own stick (even if your airline has permitted you to bring it aboard) as our customs people will confiscate it as suspicious plant material under our strict quarantine laws.

All our major airports carry a large range of suitable sticks at their “Essential Items Stores” which for your convenience will take currency from your country or ours.

Some first time visitors feel the price ($53.28 incl GST) is a bit steep for these sticks, be assured the cost of not having one when needed is much higher!

While you are at the EIS it might be a good time to get your stock of other essentials as supplies of things like suitable sprays for the spiders can run short when the little buggers are at their most plentiful, note though it is not necessary to get your water supply here as water is readily available at more than 50% of the towns you will be likely to visit, in an emergency at the other 50% of towns you can substitute a good quality Australian beer for most purposes.

Please be assured our shark problems have been much reduced of late, due in no small part to the efforts of our hero Steve Irwin, the crocodiles have become so plentiful they have eaten most of them,
(we are currently investigating the potential problems of stingrays)

You can rest easy in the knowledge that almost 70% of our visitors reach home alive after their Australian adventure, we are understandably proud of this statistic.

While it was a subject raised by only one, the fact that our tectonic plate upset Jamie Dawn so much, may I suggest that JD and any other travelers who feel the same way, pick up a supply of plates more to their liking at the EIS when they arrive.

Another reader asked whether Douglas was Australian, one could be excused for thinking this as he raised so many good points about our wonderful country, but, no, I must report that he was English, (you know that country that was good enough to give us our original settlers)

While I felt that Douglas over emphasized the spider situation I also felt he played down the snake situation, please make sure when you are selecting your stick at the EIS that it is capable of delivering a suitable whack to a snake, (all our reptiles are protected by law so you will be in serious trouble for whacking a snake), be assured though you will be in much more serious trouble if you don’t whack the bastard if he is making a determined attempt to introduce himself.

In response to Dave’s comment; we tend not to go running through the long grass anyway Dave, there is either a drought on and no grass, or it’s to bloody hot to run anywhere!

Regarding the safety of the cast and crew of the “Survivors” episodes done here in Oz, I think the hopes of the free world were that one of our “dangers” might befall them and remove the show from the airwaves.

Again I felt Douglas was being a bit alarmist in his description of the humble wombat, the number of deaths over recent years by wombat crushing (the second most embarrassing way to die) has fallen to under 100 PA, which is less than the number of fatalities from falling into a country dunny, (this is by the way the first most embarrassing way to die)

Note; a dunny is a toilet (bathroom) in an un-sewered area, also sometimes referred to as a “long drop”, this name only applies in areas where the soil is suitable for digging “Deep” holes.

As an added service to readers of this blog I will be pleased to answer any queries you may have about Australia for your proposed visit, we would really like to see you and we need your money, being on the same “side” as the Americans the only way we can get their dollars is by tourism whereas if we were on the “other side” they would very likely give us foreign aid for one reason or another… sigh.

As a final gesture of good faith I refer you to the illistration below,
(definitely not of an Australian)
Which clearly shows why we are a nation of beer drinkers.
















15 comments:

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

Oh my gawd...I better check my hubby...he drinks lots of milk.

Margaret said...

Oh stop it please!!!!! I have split my sides laughing (not a pretty sight)
Cheers Margaret

annadams95340 said...

Now I know I want to visit.

Jeanette said...

Gday Peter
Good Post I think your scaring the tourist with that big stick,and that picture. I laughed so loud at story and pic i think they heard me down the corner. I re read it and laughed just as hard.how do you come up with these posts lol.
Take care Need more like these.Jan

Jack K. said...

Peter, I really enjoy your sense of humour and your writing. You brighten my day once again.

While I may skulk about on occasion, this note is ample evidence of my enjoyment.

Thanks for the alert about the EIS. When I arrive I will look for the plates department first. tee hee, snerx.

As for the stick, would a forked one be advisable? I do remember using one for trapping snakes prior to changing their minds about doing evil, self-preservation things. It does go both ways. Although I do believe in leaving the blighters alone.

Make it a good day, and continue to...

serve others, care about those you serve and share the love in your heart.

btw, I will probably ask questions about the beta site. I am impressed with the way Margaret's site is coming along.

ttfn

DellaB said...

Peter, these are really good, but there are just one or two 'dangers' that haven't been mentioned. I was thinking in particular about the dangers of scuba-diving in North Queensland, and how to be sure that the boat doesn't go back to land without you... any suggestions?

Perhaps an elementary maths test for the operators before you get on the boat?

Miss said...

This is TOO funny! But still, the scariest part of visiting Australia is the amount of time you must spend on a plane to get there. I'm not scared of flying, but sitting in a coach seat for many hours is a frightening thought!

Peter said...

Dear Miss, you have not enabled access to your profile so I was unable to visit your site and thank you for your visit to holtieshouse, thanks anyway!!

kenju said...

Peter, you get funnier everyday!

Christina said...

Too funny! I definitely still want to come and visit. I will save up some money for a proper stick.

Miss said...

Peter, "Miss" is me, Miss Cellania. What do I have to do to make my profile available to those few of you using Blogger Beta? And what happened to your video store story? That was hilarious!

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~ Great post again, very funny. I have a walking stick, but what is the purpose of the stick in
the posts? Kathy is 45 today.
Take care, Merle.

Ms. Vickie said...

You seem to always bring that smile to my face Peter, thanks my friend. You are a dear.

As always a great post. I always love visiting your place. I just wish I felt like getting here more often. One day I will again---one day, yes one day I hold to that thought. :)

Lee said...

You failed to mention the 'white pointers' Peter...they are the most fearsome of all to the uninitiated tourist! That and the metal-mesh handbags!

Merle said...

Hi again Peter ~Thanks for your comment on the Cost of a Miracle.
Pretty cheap at that price !! Glad
that Margaret has got her blog under control and is doing well. Might I suggest that you put a post about how to change from blogger to Beta blogger. The former seems to be giving a lot of trouble of late and I see Jack K is one who is interested. Take care, Merle.