"In the beginning"


The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Happy Australia Day!

Sydney Harbor Bridge is the perfect setting for fireworks display

and the Sydney Opera House makes the perfect foreground.

There will be many posts celebrating Australia Day, the first I came
across was at Miss Cellania who is an American, so it's to be hoped
that the bloggers of Australia get behind the day.
Speaking of Miss C. she ran this joke which is far too funny to only
appear once... So again;

Voted Best Joke of the Year in Australia.

Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the hog I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep,
you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

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Thanks for calling in on our National Day.
(No this isn't a tribute to Tom Hanks, although he is a fine actor)

What it means to be Australian.

While most of these start with “Only in Australia” we are quite prepared to admit that other parts of the world have people and habits as strange as ours, on a per capita basis we just have more of them.

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Only in Australia can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australian do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Australia do we use answering machines to screen calls but then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Photobucket - Video and Image HostingOnly in Australia are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.


3 Aussies die every year testing if a 9 volt battery works… on their tongue

142 Aussies were injured last year by not removing all the pins from new shirts

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers

31 Aussies have died since 2003 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in

8 Aussies had serious burns last year trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth

.............and finally

Last year, 8 Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet.

Some Aussie Definitions;

a.. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm. (another variation)
The bigger the brim the bigger the mortgage.

b.. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

c.. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new
art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a
sausage sizzle.

d.. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

e.. There is no food that cannot be improved by the liberal application of tomato sauce.

f.. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. Fortunately no thief has ever worked this out.

g.. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.

h.. All our best heroes are losers.

i.. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

j.. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

k.. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

l.. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

m.. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".
Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

n.. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive
not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

o.. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing
wire, it's not worth fixing.

p.. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

q.. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

r.. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.

s.. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

t.. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

u.. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

v. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

x.. The great Aussie salute is that given to keep the flies from landing on your face.

y. Vegemite is the staple diet for all Aussie Kids.

z. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus
grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

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Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ Happy Australia Day !!
Great post, so now I won't bother, I'll just direct everyone over to you. Take care, Merle.

Meow said...

Hey Peter, Happy Australia Day.
Wonderful post ... I particularly love that last pic with all the Aussie animals !!
Hope you have a great weekend.
Take care, Meow

Yves said...

Mm, brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel proud to have been born in Bassendean, Perth---and then to have lived for the last 60 years in England.

Thank you Peter. Happy Australia Day yourself.

Anonymous said...

Peter, love the post and the humor. Have a super Australia day.

kenju said...

Happy Australia Day, Peter. My computer decided I couldn't see your pics today....:-(.

Lee said...

Have a great Australia Day, Peter and a fun weekend. I'm off to a barbecue with friends in a little while.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Hi Peter, good post with typical Aussie humour!

Happy Australia Day and I hope the mozzies aren't too bad!

Christina said...

Funny post. Happy Australia Day from Florida!!!

Rachel said...

Happy Australia Day Peter!!

Thanks for the chuckles!!

Lucy Stern said...

Wow, look at those fireworks...Happy Australia day..

Pamela said...

this was a hoot!
I'm glad you invited me.
I want to try vegemite sometime.

Jeanette said...

HI Peter
Happy Australia day.
Throw an extra snag on barbie!!!
Take care

Cliff Morrow said...

All good stuff Peter. I might add this all pretty well would work in Nebraska.

Miss Cellania said...

Happy Australia Day, Peter! And a big congratulations for making FINALIST in the Weblog Awards!

doodlebugmom said...

I am late. But I am sure you had a fantastic Australia Day!

Jay said...

Good gravy, I thin just reading this post has given me heartburn!

Jamie Dawn said...

I hope your Happy Australia Day was indeed very Happy!!

The fireworks look amazing! I would love to see the opera house in person.

That joke was funny. After referring to his girlfriend as a hog, I'm sure the sheep will be his only option from now on. EEeeeww!!

I saw a cartoon once that had this very fat lady with a table filled with food in front of her and she is yelling at her waitress, "I said DIET Coke, you idiot!" I've never quite understood the logic behind saving those extra calories by ordering a diet drink when a person is eating enough calories for a week at one meal.
I guess Aussie do it to, according to your list.

Raggedy said...

G'day mate.
Happy Aussie day to you and yours.
Good post.

Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Walker said...

Happy Australia Peter !!!!!!!

Lmao thanks for the laughs.