"In the beginning"


The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Just can't trust those Goverment's huh.

Here is the conclusion to "The Creation" as promised;

Hoss, you were close, but no cigar.
Pamela, did you mean the pearly gates or the golden Gates, aka "Bill"


Late in the Sixth day of creation, woman called him at work and begged him to come home, as dinner was getting cold. Man grudgingly consented, but brought home with him a copy of the system documentation to study.

After dinner, woman cooed some suggestive little sighs and slipped invitingly into bed. Man followed, but - being beat after a hard day at the office - fell straight to sleep. Woman had an indescribable inner feeling that this was not how things should be on their first night in bed (or in existence, for that matter), and disdainfully flung man's notebook from the nightstand. The book fell open to an important-looking page marked "WARNING" in bold letters.

Now, woman was possessed of insatiable curiosity. God - we must assume - had been entirely familiar with contemporary Greek writings on the subject, particularly with the escapades of a wayward feminist named Pandora. At any rate, woman picked up the book, and read: WARNING: "You I have created to maintain application programs and to operate My beloved I.B.M. You may partake of My utilities, My Fortran, My files and tapes and flowcharts. But with My operating system thou shalt not tamper, for to the user it giveth unlimited MASTER MODE powers..."

Woman - being as greedy as she was beautiful - immediately woke man. She derided him for his sheepishness, for his lack of initiative, for his cowering before a silly machine. She filled his mind with thoughts of power and greed, and instilled in him the resolve to win for himself all the privileges of the operating system.

Besides, reasoned woman, as boss, man won't come home dead tired, and might be worth something after dinner...

So man returned to work the next day, intent on breaching the operating system. He needled, he patched, he disguised clever little traps in his programs which - for tantalizingly brief periods of time - slipped into master mode. By the end of the Seventh day, man was so close to mastering the operating system that he didn't go home 'til very late. So pleased was he - and so sure that the coming day would reward him with total control of God's own system - that he whistled all the way home, and when he got there snuck into the bedroom and gave woman a pleasant surprise...

Early on the Eighth day, man did it. God was on the terminal early, playing blackjack with His computer. So man was able to submit his carefully-prepared batch job without being noticed. The system burped, God's terminal blinked once but then all was normal. Man's heart leapt. It was his operating system now, not God's. For a moment he stood stunned with the impact of his move. Then - with a self-assurance that only novice programmers can truly appreciate - he seated himself at the master console, and pushed the attention key. His hands trembling with excitement, he began to type "DELETE G-O-D".


Just as He was about to hit the carriage return - and with the system $500 ahead in God's blackjack game (God holding 20 for a thousand-dollar pot) - the system crashed.

God was furious.

"You ignored My warning," said He to man, as woman wailed pathetically that she had had nothing to do with it. "You violated My beloved system, and dared think that you could become as one with God."

He waved man disdainfully from His sight. He then reached into His I.B.M., took a handful of core, mutilated it a little, and flung it after man.

"Go," said He to the slice of core, "and multiply into a host of inferior systems, each more prostituted and glitch-filled than the last. And perhaps if man's time is wasted debugging inferior systems, I won't be bothered by him."

And that - according to the book of Byte - is why the world consists of two types of computers: IBM, and all the rest.

And so it is that certain individuals are born to serve God's favorite IBM, while others are condemned to suffer the damnation of amateur "other" computer companies.

But if you're very good, and if you're honest and trustworthy and like to work twenty hours a day without material reward, then you may well hope that one day you will be selected to move up through Xerox to Burroughs to Honeywell to Univac to that great system in the sky whose initials inspire men to this very day - I.B.M..

Looks honest and trustworthy to me!!

As woman just turned up unannounced, so to speak, in this story I thought I had better post the facts on how she came to be.

The cost of a good woman.

God called Adam aside one day and said “I’ve been pondering the best way to expand on the species of man, I think procreation is the way to go so before creating a mate for you I thought I’d give you some options.

How would you like a mate who would always do as she was asked to with loving good grace, prepare delicious meals for you, keep your home in immaculate condition, bear you sons and daughters and bring them up as offspring that you would be proud of, and at the same time be always willing to satisfy your male needs”.

“Wow God” said Adam “that sounds really great, how much would a mate like that cost?”

“Well” said God, “that’s one thing about her, she would be expensive, probably an arm and a leg”.

“Gee God” said Adam, “what could I get for a rib?”


Cliff Morrow said...

I'd say you've got this figured out to very end Peter. Good joke.

Walker said...

Good one, I had to go back and play catch up.
Adam is lucky god didnt make him a UNIX

Have a nice one Peter

Meow said...

Great posting, Peter ... you sure do find some great stuff.
Hope your week is going well.
Take care, meow

Lee said...

Lots of good laughs there, Peter...thanks for raising the humour meter! :)

kenju said...

Peter, I love the cartoon about honesty on the internet.