"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

The Internet is like a Penis, and other things.

This (the internet) is becoming the source of all wisdom.


Drive-through ATM.

New Sign in Bank Lobby Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up required distance to align car window with machine

3. Set parking brake, put window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into appropriate slot.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


Now before all you ladies jump me (perish the thought), this was sent to me by a blogger, who is as far as I know of the female gender (who for her own reasons wanted to remain anonymous), so if you are feeling aggrieved, remember don’t shoot the messenger.





Funeral Service.


As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country,and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers that I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory" and such. I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before; from Genesis all the way to Revelation -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go without someone taking notice of the service.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."



The Internet is like a Penis.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.

Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behaviour. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.







13 comments:

Pamela said...

i.n.t.e.r.e.s.t.i.n.g that you chose a lovely song to keep anyone from "jumping" you.

To far to jump, so you are safe.

Puss-in-Boots said...

The internet is like a penis, eh? Not being a man, I'm in no position to judge. However, as far as a man is concerned, those reasons are particularly valid...grin!

Have a nice day!

Cliff Morrow said...

I hope they all count to 10 before commenting Peter. I personally didn't find these funny at all. hehe
btw, I've never heard the septic tank story. good one.

Jeanette said...

Hi Peter. I wont jump on you as you were only the delivery boy.Didnt see the septic tank comming. well I wont comment on the PENIS lol.
Take Care.

Hale McKay said...

I too am still laughing at the septic story. Then again, I'm laughing at the ATM joke too. And the Internet/penis wisdom too.

Gosh darn it - I'm laughing at the whole post.

Granny said...

No jumping from me either. I'm one of the "open the door" at the ATM because no matter how close I get, my arm is too short to reach.

I usually park and head for the walk-up.

One of these days I'll make a list of the things guys do - beginning with their refusal to ask directons.

Maria said...

Sent the Penis one over to Bob in his office. Waiting to hear his laugh.

No I won't kill the messenger. You are much too nice a guy for that and there is just a touch of truth in that whole joke.

Lee said...

I've never thought of my computer as a penis...but then I do call it "Edgar"....ummmmm...cause for thought!

Raining beautiful rain here at the moment. I hope it stays around for a while.

Raggedy said...

Great post!
My feet are glued to the floor. I can't jump..

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Miss Cellania said...

The internet like a penis is so funny I have to steal it!

Jamie Dawn said...

Ha, ha, ha!

I can't give you a hard time about the Drive Thru ATM (female version) since I've been known to drive a distance with the parking brake engaged, all the while wondering with great consternation what the heck was wrong with my car!!

Duke_of_Earle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Duke_of_Earle said...

That ATM? Sounds just like the one I visited last week. Same female driver in front of me as the one you described. Same cell phone, same purse emptying, and I don't know about the parking brake, but as she accelerated away from the machine, her brake lights were on. Hmmmmm.