I've got nothing!!! (except some funny stuff.)
Just how low are those prices?
"The Middle Wife"
written by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
I've been teaching now for about 15 years. I have 2 kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show and tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show and tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
I never ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up the snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.
He ate for nine months through the umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,” and Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, Oh, Oh,"
Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife.
She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop ! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew, and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew !"
This kid had her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing.
It was too much !!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push' and 'breathe, breathe'. They start counting, but never even got past ten.
Then all of a sudden, out comes my brother.
He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest.Ever since then, when it's show and tell day, I bring my
camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.
Women Are Evil By Nature... (well some of them are.)
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
Actually, no," he replied.
Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.