"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Middle Wife.


I've got nothing!!! (except some funny stuff.)




Just how low are those prices?


"The Middle Wife"


written by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher.


I've been teaching now for about 15 years. I have 2 kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show and tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show and tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.
I never ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up the snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through the umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,” and Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, Oh, Oh,"
Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife.

She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop ! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew, and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew !"

This kid had her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing.

It was too much !!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push' and 'breathe, breathe'. They start counting, but never even got past ten.

Then all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's show and tell day, I bring my
camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.



Women Are Evil By Nature... (well some of them are.)

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

Actually, no," he replied.

Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.






11 comments:

Steve G said...

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. Hurt my sides with laughter.

JunieRose2005 said...

Oh, my!


That last one is BAD! HAHA

....that little kid one is cute!


Junie

Walker said...

HAHAHAHA

The last one was the great and the Show and Tell shows how kids see things. I can see my youngest doing something like that.

Have a nice day

OldHorsetailSnake said...

This, Holtie, is riotonious (def: funnier than a riot).

Lee said...

Hahahahahaha! Great stuff! ;)

Val said...

Peter, that last one was WICKED!

Cliff Morrow said...

Good one Peter. That wasn't on my list of jokes but is now.

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ That first one is very familiar, but I wouldn't post the second one. Yuk.
Thanks for your comment, you are such a helpful brother. Still waiting for
a new modem and have my fingers crossed that will do the trick.
Take care, Love, Merle.

Pamela said...

Oh I love Kermit.... the best ha ha ha.

I wish I was 30 years younger and I'd try that lovely No toilet paper...etc. Unfortunately, I suspect Cheryl Crow has the corner on that hand now.

TLP said...

Oh. MY GOSH! Too, too funny!!!!!

Paul said...

Absolutely great!