"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Friday, December 21, 2007

I'd walk a brazillion miles for one of your smiles

Hair Removal..... (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A HOOT!)...

I got it in an email, Thanks Jack K

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless
removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,play with the
kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the
strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to
your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.
Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and
heat it to 1000 degrees.

("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull.
It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no
longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the
bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place
one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious... must stay conscious. Do I hear
crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain,
with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that
should be on the strip...it's not!
I touch... I am touching wax!!
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold
wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying
to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub,
get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or
sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom ofthe tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the
way doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the
bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get
me undone.
It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the
bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to
hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or
hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests
I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .
Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck
to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you
to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful,
but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!!

It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......








7 comments:

Willowtree said...

I actually knew who wrote that about a year ago, but there's no way I could remember who it was now. It's side splitting stuff though.

Jeanette said...

Hi Peter. All I can say is "Ouch" ill stick to the razor...
Merry Xmas

Walker said...

LOL I have read this a number of times and its always funny as hell to read over and over

Cliff said...

Creative stuff there, eh Peter!

Jamie Dawn said...

I hadn't ever read this one before.
Hilarious and PAINFUL!!!!

Peter, I hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful Christmas.
Eat well and hug often and laugh a lot.
May 2008 be one of good health for you and a year of much happiness.

Walker said...

Hi Peter
I'm Here to wish you and anyone who touches your life
a Merry Christmas

Hale McKay said...

Jack also sent that to me. I laughed so hard there were tears in my eyes. Having read it here - the same thing happened.

Peter,

The merriest of Christmases and happiest of New Years to you and yours.