"In the beginning"


The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lets look at Australia Part 2

This is Part 2, if you didn't catch part 1 yesterday may I suggest
that you read it first,
it still won't make sense but at least you
will be on the same page as everyone else.

We take up Douglas Adams look at
Australia at the beach.

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches.

Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually
venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish
which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) stingrays and surf boarders.

However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a
dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with
a stranger, unless they are American. (Note; not true, we love Yanks specially if served with
a side salad and Bar B Que sauce.)
Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly, and look
for a stick.

Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the
'Grass is Greener on the other
side of the fence'
syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side
of that fence.

They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best
bloody place on earth, bar none, crikey."

The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though.

Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing
it to another kind of Australian beer.

Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians
don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. (Be warned!!)

The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country,eh?" is "Best {insert your own
regional swear word here} country in the world!"

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you on your first night,
and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not
refuse. It is a form of initiation rite.

You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth,
and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with
"It's his first time in
Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely
nod and close his notebook.

Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new
embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was.

Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity,
which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:



"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

"She'll be right."

There was movement at the Station
For the word had passed around
That the colt from Old Regret had got away
He was worth a thousand pound
So all the cracks had gathered to the fray.

(If you don’t recognize this as the opening stanza to “The Man From Snowy River”
I wouldn’t be in a hurry to admit it.)

Tips to Surviving

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.

We mean it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.


Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good
in a fist fight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times,
or you
will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth
that it is unwise to ignore.

See also:

1. "Deserts: How to die in them"

2. "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and

3. "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects,animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of
, volumes 1-42"


I was a little disappointed in Douglas' dismissal of sheep in just two lines, these animals that
start out as cute little lambs and finish up as one of the dumbest animals on the planet have
never-the-less been a mainstay to the Australian economy for many years, a leg of lamb
is also one of our favourite Sunday roast dinners.

Any stories or rumors you may have heard about other associations with sheep can be better
applied to our near neighbors the Kiwi's.

Now I know that you are all just dyin' to come visit Australia now that a few of the rumors
about it bein' a dangerous place have been dispelled.

Just remember to carry that stick.

There is a good range of suitable sticks available at all overseas airport terminals, due to our strict
quarantine laws if you bring your own stick we will confiscate it, I have heard suggestions that
the cost of purchasing a suitable stick here is high, be assured the cost of venturing forth without
one is much higher.
There is no need to bring your own water with you either as upwards of 30% of our towns and
cities will be able to provide the supplies you need for outback travel, it is wise to establish the
availability of water in advance of leaving a capital city as the same rule applies as to asking
directions.... there needs to be someone there to ask!!!

Please look me up when you arrive... I'm in the book.


Dave said...

SO..... How come I've never seen YOU with a stick Peter? *LOL*

ChrisB said...

LOL I've got all that information stored in case I ever visit *&*&** lovely country!

Margaret said...

Very funny, I have visions of the "rush" there will be of visitors to "Oz".
BTW you think I night have overdone my prayers for rain for the "West"?
Cheers Margaret

karisma said...

Hey you forgot "Fair dinkim" I so hate hearing that one.

Walker said...

It still sounds safer than Disneyland LOL

I have cousins in Sydney, it's something to hear Greek swearing with an Aussie accent lol

Great posts Peter

Anonymous said...

So...are you saying I shouldn't order a Molson Canadian, a Blue, Rickards Red, or a Kokanee when in Australia? Damn...your beer better be as good as you say!! :-)

Love the last two posts about Australia. One day we hope to visit as we have friends in Brisbane and Albury. And if we ever do come, I'll be looking you up and enjoy a cold one with you :-)

Rarus vir said...

Good stuff to know if I ever come down under. Sounds like a great place to die.

wazza said...

Gidday Peter,

Gosh, I thought Part 2 was better than Part 1, altho' I did enjoy Part 1. Fortunately as I live here I knew all these warnings, even though I thought a few were a little dodgy??

Pamela said...

I'm crying cuz you don't like me..sniff sniff.

I think you are serious about the stick, tho YES?

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ I agree with Warren Part 2 was funnier thab Part 1, although it was good. Enjoyed them both.
I guess all the folks expect to see us all carrying big sticks !!! I do
my share with my walking stick. Cheers, Merle.