I'm pleased to report that after my recent problems my reflexes seem to be back to normal.
1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
(A stubby, in this instance is a small, 375mil, bottle of beer usually
drunk straight from the bottle, Stubbies on the other hand are a
brand of work shorts popular with trades people.)
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
(An "Esky" is a portable icebox used to keep your stubby's, bottles, cold.)
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude
to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention
away from your jewellery.
1.. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will
say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's
the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun
is loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest
roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,
it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Guts or Balls,
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts
or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an
effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
Guts - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'
Balls - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.