"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Just too good... Had to Post it

The placement of the exhaust pipe was a little unfortunate.




I came across this little gem recently and thought it needed to be posted,
to all readers outside of the USA, who have observed the performance's of the last couple of American elected Presidents, this will come as good news, Cleese raises as his fourth point that a questionnaire may be used to determine whether the American public are aware of the changes.


Letter from John Clease for and on behalf of the Queen of England

To the citizens of The United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect.

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford "English" Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS US ENGLISH.

We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football.

There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Don't try Rugby - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.

Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.






13 comments:

Gattina said...

Unfortunately you can't hear my laughter !! I am litteraly folded into two ! That's just the best suggestion I ever read ! Fortunately we also have a king so no Queen is necessary, but still GOD SAVE THE QUEEN !

PS If you also want to laugh then read my 13 translations into English ! they are hilarious ! I found them somewhere on Internet.

Jamie Dawn said...

The Queen can just tend to her own knittin'.
She's got MORE than enough disfunction on her hands then to take on any of ours.

I'll take a dozen doughnuts or donuts. I'm not picky.

Smile!! Have a good day, Peter!

Junebug said...

Oh my God, Peter that was the best post ever! I had just posted the most whiniest post ever on my blog and came over here and was immediately convulsing with laughter. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hee hee.

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ You sure came up with a winner, although the Americans may not find it as funny. Good one.
Hope you are right back to normal now and no more aches and pains. Love,
Merle.

Dave said...

Riiiiiiiiiight.....

foilwoman said...

The placement of the exhaust pipe may have been unfortunate, but it looks quite accurate in terms of proportion.

Pamela said...

hey........!
or is that heuy.

Cliff said...

The good news would be we wouldn't need dentists either.
Peter this guy pretty well proves that not all horses back sides live in the U.S.

LZ Blogger said...

Peter ~ G'day! I remember your PROBLEM with #12. And I almost agree with #10... (if only) I could find "XXXX GOLD" here in the states. I am just glad this list doesn't have any mention of having to eat that axle-gease called "Vegamite"... or else I'd be packing my bags for Kansas! No worries mate! ~ Jerry
P.S. It's not too late for you guys to have a Tea Party of your OWN some where around Circular Quay is it?

karisma said...

Sounds like a dictatorship! Can't we just Aussie a fy them? Much easier!

Joy Des Jardins said...

OMG...that is so funny Peter. I was laughing so hard that I had to go to the washroom in the middle of reading it...and I can't blame Stony anymore. I don't really think The Queen wants to take on any of OUR headaches....God save her.

Yeah, you HAD to post that picture....it's so YOU!

Margaret said...

Very funny, some people are really clever to think such things up. Hope you are better now.
Cheers Margaret

Walker said...

Actually Canada has a baseball team that plays in that league called the Toronto Blue Jays and they won the world series twice in a row in 1992 1993.
Man did they hate us that year even more so than when we burnt down the White House in 1813.

We speak and write British American here.
Zee or Zed it's still at the end of the alphabet.