Our ever changing language

New words from old.

Following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition. Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand . (with all the tuition you have been getting lately I think most of you will understand this... if you need help... just ask.)

Billabong - Billabonk : to make passionate love beside a waterhole.

Budgie - Bludgie : a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet.

Didgeridoo - Dodgeridoo : a fake indigenous artifact.

Fair Dinkum - Fair drinkum : good-quality Aussie wine.

Platypus - Flatypus : a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.

Mateship - Mateshit : all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor.

Swagman - Shagman : an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.

Yabbie - Yabble : the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.

Bushwalker - Bushwanker : a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.

Trackie-daks - Crackie-daks : 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:

Hornbag - Shornbag : a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Here's an updated version of a an oldie, now even better.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.


FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You were going to sell them and retire on the income, but everyone has had the same idea, the bottom drops out of the market and you go bust.

SURREALISM
You have 2 giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have 2 cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.

But you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows.

None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have 2 cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have 2 sheep.
The one on the left has long eyelashes and looks very attractive.

And still they keep coming.

DEMOCRATIC

You have 2 cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have 2 cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have 2 cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have 2 cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have 2 cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have 2 cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

MISSISSIPPI CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
You only provide enough grain for one cow.
You tax the cow that eats the grain.
You use the tax to pay the other cow to stay home and watch Jerry Springer on TV.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, (which is two.)
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have 2 bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have 1 cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have 2 cows.
One is a black cow and the other is a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.

Most are illegal’s.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

I had 2 cows.

Over a period of several months, I ate them.