"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Back to normal


Lottery winner

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All $10,000,000....

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", she replies, "Just LEAVE”

Jake was dying

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."


The Land Down-under

WE, the people of the broad brown Land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, and Sheila’s... We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into eight States/Territories.

Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Massimo turtlenecks, café latte, grand final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

New South Wales (NSW), the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world, and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Tasmania, (The Island State), a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation, where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

West Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts, and many of them still work there in the government and business.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet, and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centerpiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

ACT, Canberra. The less said the better.....

We, the citizens of Oz, are united by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament while bloody Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the whole country.

Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.

We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude, and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning in the same breath.

And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Please don't let this deter any potential visitors Some of it is only in fun.






8 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Peter, The jokes are good, not so sure about the land down under.
Doubt if you will get a job in Tourism. Remember you have relatives in 3-4 states and they may not like your descriptions. Did you write them. I suspect you did.
Which is pretty good for a backward Queenslander!!! Bye

bubba said...

Say what???? I only understood about half of that one. Whats a ??? Just kidding. funny one.LOL

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Hey! I love it! The jokes are good, and the description of your country is funny as hell.

One of my sisters visited and toured Australia for three months. She loved it. I loved the pictures and the tales of it when she got back. I've always wanted to go there.

So, you're a Mexican from Mexico? I've known a lot of Mexican-Americans, but only a few real Mexicans.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Nobody else has an Opera House like that one, though.

What's two-up? It is probably some sport you can gamble on, since gambling is one of every country's national obsessions.

kenju said...

Peter, this is so funny! Thanks for the travelogue (sort of), now I think I know it a bit better. Do you really have animosity for the Kiwis or is that just like our north/south arguments here in the US?

Peter said...

Hi all, OK that opened up a can of worms!!!
Merle, nuh I didn't write it, I'm not that brilliant a brother.
Bubba, be specific and I''ll explain.
Tan Lucy Pez, hi thanks for the visit, yes oz is one of the best holiday destinations in the world, there's a bit of everything available, "mexican" is a term pinched from the old song "South of the border , down Mexico way" our East coast runs in a North / South direction with Queensland the most Northerly Sooo migrants from the southern states become "Mexicans" there now I'm sure you understand that, don't you?
I might have to post on this subject!!!
Hoss, I hope you get back here to read this, (a) you're right, our Sydney Opera House stands alone and is fabulous. Two up is a game (gambling) rather than a sport, two penny's (part of our pre-decimal coinage) are placed on a piece of wood (a kip) and flipped into the air, the players gamble on whether they will land as Heads or Tails (the penny had a kangaroo on the obverese side, thus the Tail) the game jackpots if there is a head and a tail.
Judy, that's a yes and no type answer, we have a fierce rivallry with NZ in sporting things, mainly cricket (worth a blog on it's own in the States) and rugby ( both union and league) on the other hand we have the ANZAC tradition which binds us closer together than most.
I will give some thought to a serious blog on all things Oz sometime.anqetz

Marcus said...

Nice one Pop, I spat out laughing over the $10M lottery winner!
The good thing about the Kiwis is we just claim all the best of them as ours, eg. Phar Lap, Split Enz, Russell Crowe hmmm let's reconsider that!
Do you remember Andrew Denton before the Atlanta Olympics singing "As long as we beat New Zealand" on Live and Sweaty?
fvxdespo

Merle said...

I tolja not to use Mexican!!!

I also noticed your regular cracks at New Zealand!! I notice you do not have any of them posting comments. At least I can view your Map - cannot get Marcus's to open.