How to give a cat a pill
Pick up cat and gently hold it in a recumbent position between your upper left arm and body, its head grasped by your left hand. Position left forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop the pill in. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Hold cat more firmly under left arm and try same procedure again.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat firmly in left arm, this time with head toward forearm as if holding a baby. Hold rear paws and tail tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Staunch bleeding and apply band-aid to deep scratches on left hand, retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife in from garden and ask her to assist. Assure her again about it not being necessary to take cat to vet for such a simple procedure.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly beneath your knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low menacing growls from cat. Get wife to hold cats head firmly with one hand, insert the end of a wooden ruler into its mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Apply more band-aids and retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make mental note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Sweep shattered Royal Dolton figurines from hearth, console distraught wife and consult household insurance policy for claim information.
Wrap cat in large thick towel and get wife to lie on top of cat so its head is just visible below her armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force cats mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label on box to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink large glass of water to get rid of vile taste. Apply band-aids to wife’s upper arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Apologize again to wife for swearing and assure her you really like cats.
Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave its head showing. Keep a firm pressure on cupboard door with knee, force cats mouth open with handle of table spoon. Get wife to flick pill down cat’s throat with rubber band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to gash on chest and check medical receipts for date of last tetanus shot. Throw out ripped and bloodied tee-shirt and get a new one from bedroom. Apologize to sobbing wife for totally unwarranted remarks about women and plead temporary insanity caused by cat’s violent attack.
Ring fire brigade and retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed his car into fence while avoiding cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cats front paws to rear paws, bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves, force cats mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into cat’s mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold cats head back and keeping spanner inserted in mouth. Pour in half carton of milk to wash pill down.
Try to calm wife agree to see marriage counselor and get her to drive you to emergency room at local hospital. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill fragments from right eye. Stop by furniture store on way home to order new table and book carpet in for steam cleaning.
Report cats disappearance to RSPCA and ask them to arrange a new home for cat if found. Ring wife at her mothers to ask how she is. Check freezer for TV dinners.