"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Six Classic Affairs


Hi all, the trip is going very well but the homeward leg will start in the next
couple of days, so by the end of the week my life will be back to it's normal

hum-drum pattern, and I will catch up on what you have all been
up to over the last two weeks.


The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his

shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary.We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying bastard! you've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always

talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

"Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair


A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of

Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling

discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,

"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive

private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it

home.

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to

his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"


The 4th Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her

husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him

with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said," pretend you're

a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered

the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one

and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen

and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he

said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two

days at the Smiths and nobody offered me

a damned thing."


The 5th Affair


A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered

a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the

man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a

nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?""A nickel," the

barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.

"Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your

wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here."


The 6th Affair


Jake was dying.

His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best

friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the

poison work."

14 comments:

Karen said...

LOL those were funny. Thanks for the giggles.

I hope you're having a great time at Merle's!

kenju said...

Love that last one! Have a good trip home.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Funny stuff. Way more than I can steal.

JunieRose2005 said...

ALL very funny! I think I like #3 best!! :)


June

Ivy the Goober said...

These are hilarious, Peter! Really funny stuff. :)

Maria said...

My favorite is the one about rubbing grass and dirt on the shoes. Must be a dozen golf widows around who would believe that one.

Hope you are having a great time.

Craig 'n' Jen said...

very funny, i like it!

Theresa said...

These were hilarious! Thank you for the laughs!

bornfool said...

I especially liked the first one. That man was clever.

Big Dave T said...

A young wife was irritated when she and her husband were literally shaken out of bed every time a train passed by. So unbeknownst to the husband, the wife complained to the railroad officials who sent a man over to investigate.

The wife coaxed the man to get into their bed so he could experience first hand the violent shaking. No sooner had he done that when the husband returned home. He spotted the man in his bed and cried out, "Just what the heck are you doing in my bed."

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" the official replied.

Cliff Morrow said...

"Schwartz is dead!" Good one Peter, I'd never heard that one.

Hale McKay said...

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! One "ha" for each joke. Darn it Peter, I didn't bring the wheel barrow. How in the hell can I steal six jokes?

FTS said...

Have a safe trip home - and thanks for the laughs. :)

Da Gal said...

LOL - Oh Peter... glad you had a safe return!