"In the beginning"


The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Some Newspaper Quotes.

The things you read in newspapers can be really strange at times,
take these examples.

Some Newspaper Quotes.

Commenting on a complaint from Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time
of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during
the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her
underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want
the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued
by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented,
"This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a
gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off
the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her memories of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always
seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of
our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Here is a list of 'actual' announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B
syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad
news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East
Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert
at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future,
so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....
'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you
earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the
doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause....) "This is a personal
message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:
Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Carnation Milk.

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family
dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work
and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in
grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement
offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is
best of all...."

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can
do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front
of her house.. a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much,
we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is the entry;

“Carnation milk is best of all,

No tits to pull, no hay to haul.

No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,

Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch”


kenju said...

Peter, I love all these, especially the salami stealer with the Italian boyfriend! My Italian husband thinks that one is funny too!

JunieRose2005 said...


That last slogan - Very funny!


bubba said...

My kind of joke that last one was. Very funny

mreddie said...

You have caused me massive chuckles, thanks much. These tend to prove that facts are sometimes stranger (and funnier) than fiction. ec

Big Dave T said...

My favorite was the German prisoner of war whose gardening produced "Heil Hitler."

Karen said...

Those were so funny, thanks for the giggles!

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ I liked all of these but I think the Heil Hitler crocuses ? was best and let's all sing "10 green bottles hanging on the wall."
The train ones were good. Jim would have
enjoyed them. Cheers, Merle.

Hale McKay said...

All of these were good. Sometimes humor is right there in the news.
I loved the Carnation Milk slogan.

WordWhiz said...

So funny! I'd heard the Carnation one before, but not the others. Missing her Italian boyfriend??? Hmmm...

Cliff Morrow said...

Good ones Peter, you had me laughing. I think real is always more humorous.
I recall an incident that happened on a plane here in the states. Before take off, the pilot said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to be delayed at least twenty minutes". "We have a warning light that is on". "We're sure it is a faulty reading but we want to be sure, your safety is our number one concern".
After about 10 seconds he keyed the mic once again. "Actually, OUR safety is our number one concern, but you are close second".
My kind of pilot.

Theresa said...

LOL! Those were all hilarious Peter! Thank you for the laughs!

Tan Lucy Pez said...

Hoo Boy! This is a great post. Glad I didn't miss it.

Mother Damnable said...

Tube train drivers most often say "Due to a cock up..."

The Northern line has recorded the hottest temperatures on earth!

Which is why Londoners always carry a bottle of water :>)