"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Mostly About Chickens

There's a challenge, do an interesting post about chickens.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road...

DR. PHIL:

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize

that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the

road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of

the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid

he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems

before adding "NEW" problems.


OPRAH:

Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is

why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the

chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of

life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive

across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We

just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or

not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.

There is no middle ground here.


DONALD RUMSFELD:

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the

satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:

We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not

yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:

Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now

against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about

the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.


JUDGE JUDY:

That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!

You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:

No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I

had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when

the price dropped to a certain level.


DR SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed

I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:

Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth

in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."

That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken

is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say

we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the

liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like

"the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road.

It's as plain and simple as that!


GRANDPA:

In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.

Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,

and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to

the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how

it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish

its life long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.


ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross roads,

but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your

check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken.

The Platform is much more stable and will

never cra... #@&&^... C \... reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did

the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.

What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?


WHY DO MEN PEE STANDING UP.

God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts
left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between
Adam and Eve.

He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that
would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering
if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give
that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just
the sort of thing a man should have Please! Pleeease! Give
it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so
badly, he could have it.

So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place ,
first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand,
and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away,
laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said
to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I
have left."

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains," said God.


Yeah, OK, I know it hasn't got anything to do with chickens but
it is funny, isn't it girls?

19 comments:

Miss Cellania said...

Did someone really challenge you? If that ever happens again, get ahold of me and we'll fix them up good! And your "chicken" joke about Adam and Eve cracked me up!

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ Good post, love the chicken
one and the joke is good, have seen it before and being a woman I love it --
Brains !! Take care, Merle.

The Heir said...

the other ending to that joke is adam asking god "so what does eve get?"
the response- "multiple orgasms"

kenju said...

I LOVE the stuff about chickens!!!

JunieRose2005 said...

I loved the chicken one!! :)

June

LZ Blogger said...

Peter ~

These chicken ones were VERY funny. I never knew that Gore invented the chicken though. I did know that he invented the internet (because he said he did)!

Glad you liked yet another OZ post. And YES, we loved the three weeks we spent in your counrty. It was a totally unique experience. Trying to save up for the NEXT trip down under right now!

Marti said...

Great jokes! Loved Judge Judy, "You can see he's guilty!" LOL!

Thanks for sharing!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Rats! I have been hoarding the chicken-crossed-the-road stuff for three weeks. Rats.

Crazedmomof4 said...

I tried to comment earlier & lost it!

The chicken story is so good, it should be turned into a short movie.

The joke was LOL!!! Even The Heir's version was funny!

Thankyou for all your help!

Melissa

Big Dave T said...

My favorite. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the raccoons and possums that it could be done. Out there, maybe that would include kangaroos too.

Da Gal said...

Seeing the beginning of your post below inspires me to say you should charge us all admission Peter. Even ten cents a pop would generate a good sized income for ya!

Glad to see you are doing well and golly gee I am glad we women got the brains. :)

Meow said...

Hi Peter, love your post, as usual. Love the chicken one ... very funny. Hope all is well. Take care, Meow

Abandoned in Pasadena said...

This whole post was simply hilarious...I needed a good laugh after being stung by that dreadful little bee.

Jamie Dawn said...

Funny!

I like the Dr. Seuss one. I have always loved those silly books of his.

The cartoon is funny too!

Jamie Dawn said...

20,000 visits and beyond!!!!
Keep on blogging, my friend.

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ I was so pleased to get my post right first go, I did not even think of the bold print. I liked the
Funeral e-mail. Why not post it?
Take care, Merle.

Cliff Morrow said...

I'll never admit I laughed at any of these. Brains eh!

Raggedy said...

I loved the joke...hahahaha
That was a great one!

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Hale McKay said...

Hmmm God and Adam's thing - the chickens ...
Ah , heck. They were all good.