"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Squirrel and the Grasshopper


Duct Tape, the saviour of decency for mankind.



The Squirrel and the Grasshopper

WORLD VERSION:


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and
plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and
well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so
he dies out in the cold.


THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

( you may need to disregard place names or reference to
people you
have never heard of if you come from overseas,
I have to do this all
the time when I read your blogs,
so live with it!)


The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances
and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm
and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate,
like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.


The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering
grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his
comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.


The Australian press informs people that they should be
ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.


The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The
Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the
squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special
from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural
choir singing "We Shall Overcome".


Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the
squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay
his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter
Melbourne
city centre.


In response to pressure from the media, the Government
drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination
Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's
taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing
to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on
his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the
court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid
to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he
can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re
distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case
the grasshopper.


Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and
his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to
downsize and start building a new home. The local authority
takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for
asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia
as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival
they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent
love of dogs.


The cats had been arrested for the international offence of
hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released
because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst
in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country
were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by
the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from
peoples credit cards.


A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the
last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away,
while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because
he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be
taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the
grasshopper's drug "Illness".


The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their
treatment since arrival in Australia.


The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a
burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but
released immediately because he has been in custody for a
few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to
monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a
guinea pig in a botched robbery.


A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000
and state the obvious, is set up.


Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme
for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum
seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the
government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and
dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the
cats.


The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of
the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to
address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and
his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of
a minister.


The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were
mice in Australia.


The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the
bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional
percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are
increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will
have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

Does any of this sound even vaguely familiar to you ?????



Regulars to my sisters site will recognise the little><><><><>

<><><><><>

A Red Cross office realized that the organization had never
received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called to persuade him
to contribute.

“Our research shows that, out of a yearly $500,000, you don’t
give a cent to charity,” the Red Cross guy said.
“Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some
way?”.
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment before replying.
“First, did your research show that my mother is very ill and
has medical bills several times her annual income?” the
lawyer asked.

<><><>

Embarrassed, the Red Cross rep mumbled: “Um, no.”

The lawyer interrupted, “Or that my disabled brother is
blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken Red Cross rep began to stammer out an
apology, but was interrupted again. “Or that my sister is
a recent widow, penniless with three children?”

<><><>

The humiliated Red Cross rep, completely beaten, said
simply: “I had no idea.”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again.
“So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any
to you?”


13 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~ Long story about the B grasshopper, but it has a familiar ring to it, I have stopped using so many <><><><>s and so far Beta isn't jumbling or moving things closer together. So after each item is plenty. Good joke that Red Cross one. I always use Comic Sans 14, but they reduce it and make it all
black even when I use colors.
Take are, Merle.

Karen said...

I received that pic in an email yesterday, I "cracked" up! LOL

Great story!

Have a great day!!

kenju said...

Everytime I come here, I decide to wait on Beta Blogger and not do it until I have to...LOL. Like the squirrel/grasshopper story, but the second one could be United States too.

May I make a small complaint? I hate that spiral thing in the video box. It is very distracting to me and I scroll down below it as quickly as possible.

Carolyn said...

Story rings a whole carillon (sp?) of bells, lol! Like the NKC song. I have a recording of myself on "Unforgettable". It's a record, lol! If I can figure out my new ISP space, I'll try to put it up :)

Jamie Dawn said...

Grasshoppers SUCK!!!! Cute story, and it surely applies to Amerca as well.

That lawyer is stingy!

Jon Cox said...

GREAT POST!!!! I'm sorry I haven't visited in a long while, I absolutely LOVE the picture of you & Merle!!! :o)

LZ Blogger said...

Peter ~ 3M may be on to something here. I NEW tool that EVERY Plumbers NEEDS! ~ jb///

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ Thanks for increasing the size of the type, and for the numbered posts. I like your photo cube, much better than the previous
with the kids in background. Your site still freezes and then says Unresponsive script, so I click stop script and it goes again. Warren site does too but no as frozen as yours. Take care, Merle.

Jeanette said...

hi Peter like the like the sqirrel and grasshopper .
that duct tape all i can say is "ouch"when he trys to remove it

Gary said...

Wow!What a great site.Looks like I have a bit to learn. :-)

jules said...

Say no to crack. And buy a big ass roll of duct tape.

Hale McKay said...

Maybe the intrioductory picture should have featured instead of duct tape - red tape!

Anonymous said...

Actually the true version of this story goes like this:

The Squirrel works hard all summer to prepare for winter. The Grasshopper laughs and plays.

When winter comes, the Grasshopper and a bunch of his Grasshopper thug friends go over to the Squirrel's house and beats the Squirrel to death. They find his provisions are lacking and some are rotten so the grasshopper and all his friends starve to death.

The End