The Game?? of Golf

Update; nothing to do with golf!! I have posted about Steve irwin's
Australia Zoo over at Peters Pictures, for anyone interested there's
a link on my sidebar..... Over and Out.

Tiger Woods new yatch... adds a new dimension to
"Out Of Bounds"



Golf… or a good walk spoiled!!

There was a time in my life when the game of golf held an attraction that I found hard to resist, not that golf and I ever became real friends, more like adversaries in a very one sided battle.

I had the misfortune to be left handed at this game and played with the curse of nearly all left handers, a slice, after spending a lot of time trying to cure this fault all to no avail, I gradually found myself compensating for it more and more.

It got to the stage where I would face about 30 degrees to the right of the target area, hit my very reliable slice and finish up where I wanted to be….. Unless there was a carelessly planted tree or other obstruction in the way of my balls gentle arc.

When this was the case there was often catastrophic results, the other failing of playing with and to this slice was the distance my ball traveled taking into account the arc that it covered was quite respectable, but in terms of A to B it was greatly reduced.

There was also the danger that I would hit one straight shot every now and again, very often resulting in a lost ball, who can keep track of a golf ball that goes in a totally un-expected direction?

For the last 30 years, since I learned that masochism is something enjoyed more by the young, I have only been tempted back onto a golf course half a dozen times, and while, joy of joys, I have un-learned my slice to a large degree, I have developed new muscles that rebel badly when I decide to exercise them.

So I am now reduced to golf humour (Oh shut up spell check it’s got a bloody U in it here in Oz) to get my enjoyment from the game.

Some very good reasons to play golf.

Golf Jokes.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.

"Wow!"said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about 3/4ths of the way stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

Joe said "well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started towards the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to hurry their game he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?"

Phil replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

A couple of women, Janice and Sherrill, were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. Sherill, the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Sherrill rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell"

One day a man is having a terrible day of golf. At the first hole he hooks the ball out into the rough. As he wanders through the rough, he finds another golf ball. Not thinking, he picks it up and puts it in his pocket. On his very next swing he slices off into the rough again. As he wanders off to find his ball, he finds another lost golf ball and pockets it like the first. This continues for the entire front nine. Finally, after finding 10 or so golf balls, he decides to call it a day and head home. On his way home he stops at the local 7-11 to drown his sorrows with a Big Gulp. As he approaches the cashier, a young woman, he notices that she is staring at his crotch. He looks down and sees the bulges from all the golf balls he has collected.

"Oh, don't mind that," he explains to the cashier. "They're just golf balls."

The cashier replies, "Boy, if that's anything like tennis elbow, I'll bet it really hurts!"

Bob is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Joe just finishing his round. Bob notices that Joe is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bob asks Joe how he got so wet. Joe tells the following story:

That day, Joe had played golf for the first time with bi-focal glasses. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. So, Joe said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life.

Bob said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"

"Well," said Joe, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn’t mine, so I put it back."

Four golfers met at a golf course and were discussing how they got their wives to let them play golf.

The first golfer said that he sent his wife a dozen red roses and fixed a gourmet dinner for two.

The second golfer related that he would do all of the vacuuming, dusting and laundry.

The third golfer said that he painted the kitchen so that his wife would let him play.

The fourth golfer said it was very simple. He set the alarm for 5:30 AM and then he would wake up and roll over and ask his wife "Intercourse or Golf course?" and his wife replied "Don't forget your sweater".

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.

"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

Little Johnny walks up to him and says, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the young boy is being silly and that an answer would be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, Little Johnny moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, Little Johnny walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life!!"

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name is Father O'Malley."

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi greenkeeper, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

Greenkeeper: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

“Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee please.”

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me, I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, “Would the man on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee PLEASE.”

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the guy yelled,

“Would the man on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee PLEASE.”

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped my hands and shouted back,

“Would the person in the clubhouse PLEASE shut up and let me play my second shot.”