Let's look at Australia, Part 2

This is Part 2, if you didn't catch part 1 yesterday may I suggest
that you read it first, it still won't make sense but at least you
will be on the same page as everyone else.

We take up Douglas Adams look at Australia at the beach.

Be warned. There is also the matter of the beaches.

Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.
Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend
with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the
bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) stingrays and
surf boarders.

However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless they are American. (Note; not true we love Septic Tanks.)

Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly, and look for a stick.

Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated
iron, string, and mud. Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be
free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence'
syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side
of that fence.

They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, crikey."

The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though.

Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect,
unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer.

Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and Politics are safe topics of
conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but
Sport is a minefield. (Be warned!!)

The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country,eh?" is
"Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!"

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you on your first night, and take you to a pub where
Australian Beer is served.

Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse.

It is a form of initiation rite.

You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a
foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.

Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off
any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took
him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his
notebook.

Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian
you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting
how strong the beer was.

Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:

"G'Day!"

"Crikey!"

"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

"She'll be right."

"And down from Kosciusko,
where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high,
where the air is clear as crystal,
and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky.
And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway,
to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide.
The Man from Snowy River is a household word today,
and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia:

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.

We mean it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you
think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fist fight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you
at all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

See also:

1. "Deserts: How to die in them"

2. "The Stick: Second most useful thing ever" and

3. "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects,animals, trees, shrubs,
fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42"

I was a little disappointed in Douglas' dismissal of sheep in just two
lines, these animals that start out as cute little lambs and finish up as
one of the dumbest animals on the planet have never-the-less been
a mainstay to the Australian economy for many years, a roasted leg
is also one of our favourite Sunday dinners.

Any stories or rumors you may have heard about other associations
with sheep can be better applied to our near neighbors the Kiwi's.

Now I know that you are all just dyin' to come visit Australia now that
a few of the rumors about it bein' a dangerous place have been dispelled.

Just remember to carry that stick.