"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

More stuff about Australia.

My recent series on “Let’s Look at Australia” has uncovered
the fact that overseas visitors know very little about
Australia, a situation that became obvious by the queries
that were raised by OS people prior to the Sydney Olympics
of 2000.

Sadly, despite my very best efforts, it seems there is still
much confusion out there, in yet another effort to rectify
this I have collected some more data to help you to
understand Australia better.

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their web site, and answers we would have
loved to give.


(Q) I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if
so, can you send me pictures of the available ones? (
Italy)

(A) What is this guy smoking, and where can I get some ??


(Q) I want to go swimming at Bondi beach on October 20th. will I
turn blue? (
Germany)

(A) More likely brown, considering the effluent.


(Q) Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (
UK)

(A) We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.


(Q) Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street ?? (USA)

(A) Depends on how much beer you’ve consumed.


(Q) Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to
Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes (Germany)

(A) Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held
in
Sydney, (or, try night driving.)


(Q) I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks ?? (
Sweden)

(A) Sure, it’s only four thousand miles, so you’ll need to have
started about a year ago to get there in time for this October.


(Q) Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia ?? (Sweden)

(A) So it’s true what they say about Swedes !!


(Q) It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (
Italy)

(A) I’m not touching this one !!


(Q) My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia will
you let her in (
South Africa)

(A) Why? we do have toilet paper here !!


(Q) Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them
in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville & Hervey Bay? (UK)

(A) Just what did your last slave die of ??


(Q) Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia ?? (Portugal)

(A) Under the water.


(Q) Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two ?? (UK)

(A) Yes.


(Q) Will I be able to speak English most places I go in Australia ?? (USA)

(A) Depends, can you speak English now ??


(Q) Can I bring cutlery into Australia ?? (UK)

(A) Why bother? use your fingers like the rest of us !!


(Q) Do you have perfume in Australia (France)

(A) No, everybody stinks !!


(Q) Do tents exist in Australia ?? (Germany)

(A) Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples garages, and
most National Parks !!


(Q) Can I wear high heels in Australia ?? (UK)

(A) This HAS to have been asked by a blonde, or perhaps a
British politician.


(Q) Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (
Italy)

(A) Yes, Gay nightclubs !!


(Q) Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

(A) Yes, at Christmas !!


(Q) Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef ?? (Germany)

(A) Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious !!


(Q) Are there killer bees in Australia ?? (Germany)

(A) Not yet, but we’ll see what we can do when you get here !!


(Q) Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia
?? (USA)

(A) Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
Australia is that big island in the Pacific which does not…. oh
forget it, Sure the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross… Come naked.


(Q) Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round (
Germany)

(A) No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.


(Q) Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum (
USA)

(A) I love this one… rattlesnakes live in America, which is where you
come from. All Australian snakes are harmless and make good pets.


(Q) Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)

(A) Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you
get here and we’ll send you the rest of the instructions.


(Q) Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule ?? (USA)

(A) Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany which is…
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.


(Q) I have a question about a famous animal that lives in Australia,
but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (
USA)

(A) It’s called a Drop Bear, they are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them,
you can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before
you go out walking.


(Q) I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in
Australia? (USA)

(A) Yes, anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


(Q) Are there places in Australia where you can make love
outdoors ?? (
Italy)

(A) Yes, outdoors !!


(Q) I was in Australia in 1969 on R&R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help me ?? (
USA)

(A) Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just got that all sorted out only to find that there is just as much
confusion about all sorts of things, not just Australia, so I got some
expert help in answering some more questions.

Questions and Answers.

Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False: A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a

man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake!


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask him if
he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never
do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.




14 comments:

wazza said...

Oh I bet you made all that up except the hippo races 'cos I went and saw them. Funny when I was naked the organizers grabbed me and put me in one of the races as they thought I had escaped out of one of the pens.
Also the drop bears are true as one dropped on me when I was on holidays in the Northern Territory. Fortunately I hadn't made in time to the toilet and I had a accident so the bear stayed away from me...whew was I lucky.

Miss Cellania said...

Those Aussie answers are even better than the stupid questions! About the kangaroos...

I read this somewhere on the net long ago, is it true?

Kangaroos stop and look in both directions before crossing a road. Then they leap into the road, regardless of whether a vehicle is coming or not.

Jim said...

An excellent and informative(?) post, Peter.
I'll try that for Texas, it will be about the same as yours only bigger. And we have cattle instead of kangeroos.

BTW, we are back now. Thanks for checking on Billy's posts. His Dad's roses are wonderful, maybe we could 'rustle' one.
..

Big Dave T said...

I've always wondered how hard it is to box a kangaroo. I think I could do it. I've got a pretty good left jab. But the only time I tried boxing I got knocked down by my little brother.

LZ Blogger said...

Peter ~ Those Olympic questions were a riot. My favorite though was the answer... "Do you speak English NOW? ~ There were a few times while we were there (in OZ) that I WONDERED if I did! ~ jb///

Christina said...

"Which way is north in Australia?" ROFLMAO!!!

Perfect post for the end of a week from hell. I needed a good laugh.

Maria said...

Oh my, and as a teacher I used to say, "Now boys and girls there are no dumb questions." Boy was I wrong. Thank you for the laughs even though I had trouble understanding the answers given to my landsman here in the states.

Lee said...

Great, Peter...it's good to have a laugh...thanks. :)

A tourist from the US asked me once at one of the restaurants I was cooking at..."My son just can't wait to come to Australia and ride his bike along the Great Barrier Reef"...

I wonder if they've located his body yet? ;)

Jeanette said...

Hi Peter
Great Aussie post
"Which ways north"lol
and that bear in the tree lol
take care keep smiling, Jan

Steve G said...

Peter, now I'm convinced I need to visit.

Serena Joy said...

Thanks for some real belly laughs! Terrific stuff.

Gazza said...

Thank goodness for Aussie humour..

Three days of drinking beer to parachute out of a plane.... more like two weeks...lol

Cliff Morrow said...

My brother, who is a crop duster, usually says, "why jump out of an airplane that is still running?"
Good answers here, solid Aussie humor.

Meow said...

Oh Peter, I am laughing so much I am crying. Those Olympic Q&A's are hilarious ...
Thanks so much.
Take care, Meow