"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

MERRY CHRISTMAS Part 2



THE SANTA SIDE OF CHRISTMAS


We have this image of Santa always being a nice guy, can't help wondering if it's right.




Does Santa
sometimes kick
over the traces?

Would Santa ever
do this?

Would this action
keep the Moms
from bringing their
kids to see Santa?




And what about us, are we always
as good as we should be?

Does Santa really know when we've
been good or bad? and if so could
you imagine this reaction?

It's no use blaming the dog if you
get up on Christmas morning and
find a suspicious substance in the
fireplace.

Next year you had better mend
your ways!




I have "borrowed this from Lucy she posted it way back in November
and as she is now lounging around at Willow Tree RV Park I'm sure
she either won't know or won't care about me lifting it.


IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) -
I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
[Spy Magazine no longer exists. So how did versions of this story wind
up on the Internet? Actually, this story first originated by an email
from Rod Morgan , Systems and Integration Office IRM/OPS/SIO ,
U. S. Department of State , who sent an email out in 1987.
Though computers at the Department of Stare were networked, they
were not yet connected to the Internet. The
U.S. Navy, on the other
hand. was connected to the internet. As it turned out, one of Rod’s
friends had a son in the Navy who liked the story. So out into the
internet the story went! From there, this tale has grown almost as
fast as the net! Thanks to Rod Morgan for getting this out to the world!]

<><><><><><> (I know you'll like these <>Merle.)

There is only one species of reindeer and it definitely can NOT fly!
BUT there are perhaps several hundred thousand species of flying
organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and microorganisms, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying
reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.


There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Shinto, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish , Animist, and atheist children, not to mention the bah-humbug
non-Santa believers. That reduces his workload to 15% of the total...
378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average
(census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes.
(One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.)


Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.


This is to say that for each Christian household with good children…
well good enough... Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out
of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,
get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the
next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but
for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking
about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding and etc. Whew!


This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second,
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves
at a pokey 27.4 miles per second... a conventional reindeer can run,
tops, 15 miles per hour.


Now consider the huge load in the sleigh! Assuming that each child
gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (almost 1 kg or
2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight.
On land, non-flying reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN
TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not
even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth. (That's the ship BTW not the Queen of England.)


353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous
air resistance, this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of
reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second.


Each, In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic
booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected
to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity.
A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned
to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.


In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he’s dead now. Any takers for the job?



REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male
and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male
reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till
after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph
to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be
able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost.



Wrapping Presents with a Cat in the House.

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

3a. Please delete step 3,

This will eliminate steps; 5, 8, 10, 13, 18, 22, 24, 28, 31, 38, 39, 40.

But the story will not be anywhere nearly as funny... Your call…

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc. . .

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable
wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.

13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk
of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the
right size for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove string, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room.

30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper
and materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear
cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area
of the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this
last year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to
make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag




MERRY

CHRISTMAS

ANYWAY.











It's all make believe, isn't it?






21 comments:

Puss-in-Boots said...

Peter, I'm astounded - are you a non-believer in Santa Claus???

Actually that photo of Santa doing a flash reminds me of the episode in "Are You Being Served". They had a large animated Santa mannequin, which would say "Ho, ho,ho, little girl, have I got a surprise for you!" And then of course he opened his arms to which, inadvertently, his coat had caught, effectively flashing the kid in question. Of course, Mr Humphries fainted and I almost died laughing.

A classic episode that one and funnily enough after about 30 odd years, I've never forgotten it. Says something for my mind, doesn't it? Lol!

Puss-in-Boots said...

PS: Stretch your imagination - go to my blog and read the meme I've tagged you for...

Kelvin said...

Don't you know anything Peter....

Santa has "magic dust" he sprinkles on the houses as he flies past, so each & every kid who has been good,will wake up to find a lovely gift or two waiting for them under the xmas tree.
As for adults, who like to tell tales to scare the kids, their day will come when they open their gift and find that all that Santa has left for them is a banana with a note which says to put it right where they say the sun never shines !!! (hehe)
Have a good one Peter and Merle don't let him get to slosh on the wine.

Jack K. said...

Now this is more like it, Christmas cheer.

Well, a pint would help.

LMAO

Now, where is that damned cat?

Tan Lucy Pez said...

LOL. Very funny Peter!

Kelvin said...

Me - again with just a quick word or two to tell you that I have listed you on the blog where you find all the #2"s and I warned people to beware of your flasher as it is nothing like mine !!! Have a good one Peter and I'll catch you when the world rolls around to the year seven, when hopefully I will still have my two feet on mother earth and not in Heaven.

JunieRose2005 said...

Oh, my goodness, Peter!

You certainly put a lot of doubt in my mind about dear old Santa!

...But -never mind- I STILL believe! He's MAGIC-that's how he does so much on Christmas eve!

...a-a-and - as for that flasher...that's an imposter!
He's not Fat enough to be the RealDeal! :)

June

Lee said...

Thanks for the good humour, Peter! :)

Rachel said...

I sure hope Santa doesn't do his business down our chimney!! HAHA
Well, I have been very good so I guess I shouldn't worry about it!

Duke_of_Earle said...

That's a classic! And anyone who's ever lived with a cat (you don't "own" cats) can appreciate its accuracy! Oh, and thanks for the mention in the poem below. I'm honored!

John

Christina said...

ROFL @ cat story. So true!!!

jules said...

Merry Christmas, a little early. Cuz I'll probably forget by Christmas.

Walker said...

lmao!!!!!!!!!
For a second there I swear you were in my closet watching me wrap the other day.

Does Santa exist?
Yes he does.
You see when we are young we are led to believe in Santa by our fathers.
As the years go by we learn different but say nothing because the presents are still coming in.
By the time we have our own kids, we become Santa.
So, is there a Santa or not?

Have a nice day Peter

wazza said...

Gidday Peter,
Mate, you've got too much time on your hands, and of cause Santa exists as you know who (me) will be VISITING YOU (I'm not shouting am I??) and if that's not a great (Santa) Xmas present, then I don't know what is. What's that you say you're having the locks on the house changed and you may be not at home when I arrive.
Don't worry I'll wait no matter how long it takes.

Meow said...

Peter, you doubt the existence of Santa ... don't you know if you don't believe, you don't receive.
Love the present wrapping with a cat list ... and it is oh-so-true !!!
Take care, and Merry Christmas ... Meow

Jeanette said...

Peter I know theres a Santa cause my grandies wake me to tell me santa's been.
love your cat list Meow meow

LittleJen said...

There is a Santa, I know there's a Santa. My mum says so!!!!

Steve G said...

I knew there was something funny about those horny raindeers.

Hale McKay said...

Well you have dispelled any doubts I may have about flying reindeer. It sure wrecks an element of my Anti-Claus story, doesn't it?

Great stuff with the cats and gift wrapping too.

Margaret said...

Very funny, hope you all have a great Christmas in Gympie (evidently Santa less), I will really miss everyone.
Cheers Margaret

Sambian said...

sh*t ! is that all you had for me Santa?!