Australia I have included a map.
A puddle in a country road which bears an amazing resemblance to the
map shown above, based on the roadside growth and the soil type, I
would guess that the photo was taken in SA
Top 45 Oxymoron’s.
45... Act naturally
44... Found missing
43... Resident alien
42... Advanced BASIC
41... Genuine imitation
40... Airline Food
39... Good grief
38... Same difference
37... Almost exactly
36... Government organization
35... Sanitary landfill
34... Alone together
33... Legally drunk
32... Silent scream
31... Living dead
30... Small crowd
29... Business ethics
28... Soft rock
27... Butt Head
26... Military Intelligence
25... Software documentation
24... New classic
23... Sweet sorrow
21... "Now, then ..."
20... Synthetic natural gas
19... Passive aggression
18... Taped live
17... Clearly misunderstood
16... Peace force
15... Extinct Life
14... Temporary tax increase
13... Computer jock
12... Plastic glasses
11... Terribly pleased
10... Computer security
9.... Political science
8.... Tight slacks
7.... Definite maybe
6.... Pretty ugly
5.... Twelve-ounce pound cake
4.... Diet ice cream
3.... Working vacation
2.... Exact estimate
1.... Microsoft Works
An elderly couple was getting ready for bed one night. The wife turned to her husband and said, "I'm just so hungry for ice cream, and there isn't any in the house."
"I'll go get you some," her husband offered.
"You're a dear," she said. "I want vanilla with chocolate sauce. Write this down, or you'll forget."
"I won't forget," he said.
"With whipped cream and nuts," she continued. "Please write it down, or you'll forget."
"Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce, whipped cream and nuts," he repeated.
"And a cherry too," she said. "You will never remember all this. You always forget. Please write it down."
"I won't forget," he insisted. "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, nuts and a cherry on top."
The husband went off and returned after a long while with a paper bag. He handed the bag to his wife in bed. She opened up the bag and pulled out a ham sandwich.
"I TOLD you to write it down," she snapped. "You forgot the mustard!"
My thanks to Sandy (AIP) for contributing this one.
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice.. pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
My sister Merle posted this joke recently, it’s too good to be restricted to one run.
Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, “Did you hear the news – Mike is dead ??”
“Woah, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom –He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof. Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die !!”
“No no, he survived that. That didn’t kill him at all. So he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible !!”
“No no that didn’t kill him, he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out on to the landing. He ties to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go !!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he survived that. So, he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached a big pot of boiling water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off.”
“Man, what a way to go !!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that. He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now, that is one awful way to go !!”
“No no, he survived that . . . . ”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die ?”
“I shot him !!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for ?”
“He was wrecking my house !!”