"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Chuckles

Marcus might be in this same predicament for an AFL Grand Final ticket soon.

Don't go there Marcus or you're out of the will... just think no Slim Dusty CDs


I will get back to proper posting soon.... I think.... in the meantime here are some
chuckles.

It’s Later than you Think.

Funny, I’ve never noticed it before---everything is a bit further than it used to be. It’s twice as far from my place to the bus-stop now, and they’ve added a hill I just noticed. The buses leave sooner too, but I’ve given up running for them because they go faster than they used to.

Have you noticed what small print they’re using lately?

Newspapers especially---I have to squint to make out the words. It’s ridiculous, of course, to suggest that a person my age needs glasses, but it’s the only way I can find out what’s going on without somebody reading aloud to me---and even that isn’t much help, because everybody speaks in such a low voice, I can scarcely hear them.

Times certainly are changing. The material in my clothes, I notice, shrinks in different places---like round the waist and round the seat. Shoe laces are so darned short they are next to impossible to reach.

Even the weather is changing. It’s getting colder in the winter
and the summers are much hotter than in the good old days.

I guess the way they build windows now, makes draughts
more severe.

Ran into a friend of mine the other night, and you know, he’d
changed so much he didn’t recognize me.

“You’ve put on a bit of weight, he said.

“It’s this modern food,” I said, “it seems to be so fattening.”

I got to thinking while I was dressing, about what he’d said--- so I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Seems they don’t use the same kind of glass in mirrors any more, do they?


The Genie.

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful,
now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much

your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its
side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it
over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our
good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still
believe in genies?"


Purina Diet.

I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Big W and standing in
line at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch why else would I buy dog food??


Revenge.

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love", so Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We
were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."


Mae of the Dae.

I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far.
Mae West







16 comments:

Rachel said...

Very funny stuff Peter!! I can sure relate to that "It's later than you think" one!!

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ Good jokes there and I liked the football sign. Marcus
wouldn't dare!!! I am watching the game now, hope the Cats win. Did you see the comment from Kathy in W A
hoping Carlton get Judd, not bloody Collingwood. It would be nice.
I hope you and Warren have a great time as no doubt you will. Watch out for those Drop bears and hoop snakes.
Take care, Love, Merle.

Cliff said...

Great photo up top. Funny!
They are also making the cups on golf greens so darned deep anymore. Man it's a long way down to your ball.

Marti said...

Thanks for the giggles! Hope you have a wonderful day! Today is my 26th wedding anniversary!

LZ Blogger said...

Peter - Now that is a guy who really LOVES Football, or really HATES his sister! But either way... IT'S FUNNY! ~ jb///

Miss Cellania said...

Best of luck to Marcus... I hope getting tickets are a little easier than THAT!

Jack K. said...

Peter, great stories. I was reminded of a junior high school science teacher I once knew. He claimed he didn't need glasses, he just needed longer arms.

You should only believe in genies if you are one. tee. giggle. snerx.

Lee said...

You can keep your Slim Dusty Cds, Peter, but I might borrow some of your jokes, if you don't mine! ;)

Puss-in-Boots said...

Liked the one about the Purina Diet, Peter. However, it's a fact of life that people ask questions about the obvious.

If I've had my hair cut, people at work will come up to me and ask, "Have you had your hair cut?"

"No," I generally reply, "I washed it and it shrunk."

Now the funny thing about that is people don't really listen to what you say, either, because eight out 10 people won't register what I said.

Is Sydney still in one piece? I will be watching The Chaser closely...I suppose that will give you thought that mainly women watch that programme, too...

Have a great time.

Jeanette said...

Hi Peter, Hope your having a great time in Sydney.Then again I know you and Wazza be having a fun time. Hope Marcus is able to get tickets to grand final "Go Cats"

Zaac said...

love the genie joke! and the dog food joke for that matter!
dont follow why dad's no longer getting the slim dusty cd's but i'm sure he doesn't mind too much!
asked dad to see if he could find out if the grand final will be broadcast overseas at all, otherwise i'm looking for a site to stream the game off t'interweb, got any ideas?

Christina said...

Very funny! LOLOL!

Pamela said...

I hate those new mirrors (:

oh... I was completely taken by surprise by the genie joke

TLP said...

Laughing all the way!

Hope all is well with you.

Walker said...

HA HA HA!!!!!
That's it from now on I only believe in female genies

Sandy said...

I'm still laughing at the Purina Diet.