"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

A Tale of Two Lizards

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pain is a relative thing obviously.


The story below was sent to me by Meow aka Connie, 1000 thanks Connie.

A Pet Lizard Story.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome,
including toilet flush
burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you
laughing out loud!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the
two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little
lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was
equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I said accusingly to my
wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired
(I think she actually said
this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me
(Again with the
sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the
best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness
the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little
lizard babies?" my
wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a
gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk
us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his
lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
cruel to their own
young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying
glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that
isn't EVER going to
happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they
come into maturity, like most male species, they
um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my
vicious, cruel
wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the
upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . that. . . I'm picturing you
pulling on its . . . its
teeny little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in
laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard
and our son back into
the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter again.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs.


Mae of the Dae

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get
rid of.
Mae West


17 comments:

Big Dave T said...

I knew there was something screwy about this. Here in the U.S., lizards lay eggs, they don't give birth. Of course, you have some pretty strange creatures down under.

Gette said...

too funny

Pamela said...

I read this at work and had to share it.
I knew someone who thought their dog had something wrong when a similar thing happened... and put neosporin on it.

Maria said...

Pay attention in biology class is so true! Honestly, I laughed until there were tears in my eyes. This is one of the funniest stories I have read.

Lee said...

From now on I'm going to have to pay more attention to lizards and give them their privacy when required!

Puss-in-Boots said...

Haaaaahahahaha! That's a good story, Peter. Can't you just see it? This guy....hahaha!

By the way, glad to hear you enjoyed your day at Australia Zoo, and that the boys didn't wreck the place going stir crazy during the rain. (How come you had rain? We didn't! Not fair...)

Hope all is well with you and yours Peter.

Cliff said...

The cartoon might have been funny had it not been for the grimace on my face.
Funny story my man.

Jeanette said...

Ohh Peter, very funny I laughed out loud reading this and the guy pulling his winkie , hehehehe..

JunieRose2005 said...

:) Very funny story !

Bla said...

:D

Christina said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
(deep breath)
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Marti said...

That's hilarious - thanks for sharing!

Hope you have a wonderful day!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I wonder if those would work on trout, like salmon eggs do. It might be a first: lizard eggs for fish bait.

Rachel said...

What a funny story Peter!! Loved the cartoon too!!! Thanks for the laughs!!

Walker said...

HA HA HA THAT WAS A RIOT !!!!!!!!!

LZ Blogger said...

Peter ~ Only one word here... "OUCH!!!" ~ jb///

Jamie Dawn said...

OMG!!! How funny!
The husband REALLY helped that lizard out!
He gave him a "hand."