"In the beginning"


The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Anutheer Trishmas Free

Shum of ush jes nether lurn do we.

Wouldn't you think the "outside" tree would have warned me off all those bottles? but no, when
the desire to have an "inside" tree as well hit me off I went to visit my good pals at the bottle
shop again. You can well imagine their joy at seeing (a) that I was still alive after all the alcohol
I had consumed. (b) Here I was waving money at them again for more booze.

I'm afraid I can't tell you very much about the next week, its just a hazy patch in my brain
filled with lots of distorted images of things I really don't want to remember... OH, and lots of
pain... yeah I remember that throbbing head I'm sorry to say.

Anyway after just a few days (11 days) recuperation I found that I had just exactly the right
number of bottles to construct my new "inside" Christmas Tree, fortunately all except one of
them were empty so I was able to sit and admire my handiwork while sipping at the lone
bottle that was soon to make the top section of my lovely tree.

Next year I think I'll just buy a tree (or two) though much cheaper and less painful.

I love "Twas the night before Christmas" as do many other people, I have several versions
here are a couple of them.

A Dieter's Christmas.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom
I turned I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again
as I turned in for the night

In the morning I'll starve...
'till I take that first bite!

Assembly Required.

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were all quiet in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
In the kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no pieces be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes down in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if there were failure, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the flour they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, where the metal is bare!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!

"We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfectest Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland, at last sweet repose
I gratefully went, although I suppose

There's something to say for those self-deluded
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!


Cliff said...

Ah, lovely poems. The first one is totally me. Merry Christmas Peter.

Sandy said...

This was a cute post. I'll have to pass the poems on.

Merry Christmas Peter. I'll have to hunt up some good joke for fun Monday, but don't put me on you list just yet.

I've enjoyed reading your posts and have enjoyed your friendship throughout the year and I hope we remain blog friends for years to come. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year dear friend.

Best Wishes,