"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Smile a while


Its time to lighten up a little, after all the doom and gloom of bushfires.

Did you ever wonder what would happen if you ran over an inner-spring
mattress
and kept right on driving... until a vibration in the drive train
made you stop???



This is what the service personnel found when they checked for the vibration!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Cowboy

A Cowboy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me kiss your breasts for $100?
Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns
Around, runs around the block, and gets to the corner before she does.



Would you let me kiss your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks Again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would
You let me kiss your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"



She Thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."



So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
The most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he
Grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly,
burying his face in them, but not kissing them.



The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna kiss them or not?"



"Nah", says the Cowboy... "Costs too much..."



A Teenage Daughter.

Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenage girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth(except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD:
When you first receive your teenage daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.
This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION:
To activate your teenage daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger.
No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN:
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenage daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Having a teenage daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenage daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like
I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Your teenage daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting.
She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both.
If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and oh my god he is so hot.
Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.
If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenage daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE:
Teenage daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High."
Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY:
This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious.
Your teenage daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenage daughter, well, what did you expect?
In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.



Let me hasten to state that this applies only to teenage daughters, not favourite daughters.





11 comments:

Marti said...

Just popping in to see how you are and say hello. It's 1 AM here, but I can't sleep, so I thought I'd catch up with old and dear friends. Hope all is well with you. Big hugs!

WT said...

I'm wondering how aware the driver was, you think you'd feel something like that, or at least see it on the road.

karisma said...

Why does that first shot remind me of my vaccuum cleaner?

Oh and thank you! I see I am not weird afterall, just "traumatized" LOL! Unfortunately there is no favourite daughter over here, too much competition! And I stopped smiling when I remember we just got the PHONE bill! But thank god for the fact that all the numbers show up on the bill! hehe! WE know who made the calls! (And it was NOT one of the girls! One boy is in for a rude shock!) Ahhh Kids, you gotta love 'em!

Jack K. said...

Some folks have a difficult time driving around things. After all, it is impossible to see inner-spring mattresses on the road.

Thank goodness our teenage daughters are grown, married and away from home. We did our job of parenting well. lol

I was truly blessed having my daughters, even when one of them went through her goth period.

Glad to know all is getting better down your way.

Lyn said...

I think you have short term memory loss about the 'favourite daughter' Dad, now if you were talking about DIL's now thats a different story :). I can't believe it, i could have written this article, scary! Hope 'favourite daughter' is doing well.
Love Lyn x

Puss-in-Boots said...

Both of mine were similar, not completely the same but I recognised bits here and there.

Pamela said...

maybe that driver was sleepy - and decided to hit the hay (chortle)

oh that breast one happened to me once.










(just kidding)

Big Dave T said...

Makes me glad that my wife and I just had boys, two of them. I'm getting a daughter-in-law soon though, and I'm beginning to understand the concept of ultra high maintenance.

Dave said...

Wow, the pictures of the car that ran over the mattress is incredible!!!

Walker said...

Gezzzzz I wonder if he could have used the car for a lawnmower

Marcus said...

G'day Pop
Love the Teenage daughter instructions, I'll be using that one at my next parent night.

Mostly good news about Vicki, thanks for taking care of her.

Marcus