A little bit of this & A little bit of that

Its time to clean out my inbox once again.... ENJOY

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It is hard to paint the true picture,
Though its good to be somewhere near right.
But I saw it and did it in colour,
You will read it in plain black and white.

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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom”.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

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Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find
him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What's the
matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did
not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.'

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This was sent by my friend Jack k who described it as "a bit racy" racy or not its as funny as hell Jack.

High jump

The record (0.757 metres) - remember this is from a KNEELING position - was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

This photograph was taken a split second before the jump
but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.....






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Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Queensland Parliament Buildings. One is from Ipswich, another from Logan and the third is from Kenmore.

All three go with a Parliament official to examine the fence.

The Ipswich contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring then writes down some figures. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Logan contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700, $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Kenmore contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Parliament official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Kenmore contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Logan to fix the fence..."

"Deal!" replied the government official.

And that, my friends, is how to get things done in Queensland!!

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STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The
funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile...

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that
hangs out over a crystal clear stream..
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool
running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the
world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with
a cascade of serenity..
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out
the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work... You're smiling already.

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WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?

For all of us who are seniors - for all of you who know seniors - and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

And, speaking of senior moments:

'WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am,' said the newspaper employee, 'today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, 'Well, shit.....so that's why no one was at church today.'

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Why are Raincoats Yellow???

Nuff sed!!!!