"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Friday, January 27, 2006

ALASKAN RETIREMENT

 
I couldn’t decide whether to run hot or cold today, so I’ve dug up a couple
of stories, one from a decidedly cold place, and one from a lot hotter place.
 
Alaskan Retirement

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Alaska as far from humanity as
possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. 
Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... There's gonna be
some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Lars.
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter..... Just gonna be the two of us”
 
 ARAB SUICIDES EXPLAINED


Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide.

Let's see now:

No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no Playboy or Penthouse,
no Teasers, no rugby, no football, no basketball, no baseball, no golf,
no dancing, no music.

No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts
and braless beauties.

No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no
lobster, no shellfish or even frozen seafood sticks. No Christmas.

Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from
the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors,

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't even shave your
wife.

Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe your
backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they
catch you stealing they chop off your good hand and you must eat
with your shitty hand.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel Dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your
camel, but your camel has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get 70 virgins
and it all gets better!

So........... Nope....... No mystery here!


14 comments:

Jamie Dawn said...

I just wish that when they decided to commit suicide that they would kill ONLY THEMSELVES!!

Hot or cold... good stuff!!

Maria said...

Woke up crabby this morning and needed a good laugh. Thank you for getting my day off to a better start.

FTS said...

Yeah, what Jamie Dawn said.

bubba said...

Hot and cold gets my 2 thumbs up.

JunieRose2005 said...

BOTH are very funny!!!

June

bornfool said...

Great jokes. I especially liked the Alaskan one.

Ms. Vickie said...

Great jokes, Thanks Peter for the laughs

LZ Blogger said...

Both of those were great Peter! Thx! ~ jb///

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Strange world. Both of those were sent to me in the last two weeks. We need a bigger blogosphere, or more joke-writers, or both.

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~~ These are both good.
And so different in climate.
Thanks for your comments ~ and No
I lost my only try at writing
poetry and various other treasures. All safely packed in a box which I didn't get round to
unpacking, so Pat took boxes to
the Tip at Nathalia.

kenju said...

Tsk! Tsk! Peter. LOL

PI said...

The first story made me LOL.

Hale McKay said...

I have heard the Alaska one before and variations of it, but Arab is a new one to me, and I liked it very much. Good job.

Da Gal said...

ohmygawd peter... you made three of us laugh out loud! Good stories.