ALASKAN RETIREMENT

I couldn’t decide whether to run hot or cold today, so I’ve dug up a couple
of stories, one from a decidedly cold place, and one from a lot hotter place.

Alaskan Retirement

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. 

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet. 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. 

Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come.
About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you.... There's gonna be
some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there,
Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," says Lars.

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. 

By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter..... Just gonna be the two of us”

 ARAB SUICIDES EXPLAINED

Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide.

Let's see now:

No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no Playboy or Penthouse,
no Teasers, no rugby, no football, no basketball, no baseball, no golf,
no dancing, no music.

No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts
and braless beauties.

No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no
lobster, no shellfish or even frozen seafood sticks. No Christmas.

Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from
the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors,

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't even shave your
wife.

Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe your
backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they
catch you stealing they chop off your good hand and you must eat
with your shitty hand.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over
burning camel Dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your
camel, but your camel has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get 70 virgins
and it all gets better!

So........... Nope....... No mystery here!