"In the beginning"

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The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Happy Australia Day!


January 26th is the day we celebrate “Australia Day” there are
naturalization ceremonies in centres throughout the country.

We would expect to welcome several thousand new Australian
citizens today, as they swear allegiance to our country.

So in honour of the day, I have put down some Australian
thoughts and a couple of good old Aussie jokes.


Some Australian Thoughts


a.. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

b.. The bigger the brim the bigger the overdraft

c.. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a
sausage sizzle.

d.. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

e.. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of
tomato sauce.

f.. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing
them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

g.. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk crate.

h.. All our best heroes are losers.

i.. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

j.. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

k.. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine
example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber
thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

l.. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

m.. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be
traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s,
and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship".
Alternatively,
Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

n.. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to
himself, but to the mosquitoes.

o.. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
fixing

p.. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that has the swimming pool.

q.. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

r.. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the
family drinks too much.

s.. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend
all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

t.. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred
kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

u.. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take
everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the
car, you're not trying.

v.. Vegemite is the staple diet for all Aussie Kids.

x.. The great Aussie salute is that given to keep the flies from landing
on your face.

y.. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

z.. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus
grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

and just for luck; The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.


Things aren’t always as they seem
 
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Jimmy, the only Aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!
Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass!
Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, doing all kinds of sh*t like head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like
some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish.
Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a
million dollars.
"Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. you won
the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some Stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then What do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the ****** who pushed me in the Pool.”
 
CRIKEY !

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the croc up on the bar.

He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal.
I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitalia inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my genitalia unscathed.

In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink!"

The crowd murmured in unanimous approval.

Steve stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates
in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, Irwin grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the croc
hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and he removed his genitals unscathed
as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

Steve stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $1000
who's willing to give it a try!"

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly spoke up ... "I'll try it! Just don't hit me so
hard with the beer bottle."


20 comments:

Merle said...

WOW ~~ You sure got busy on the eve of Australia Day. I found some Aussie jokes the other day & may put them on tomorrow.
It is going to be about 40degrees here and that is no joke. Love my ducted evaporative cooling!!
How is Margaret? John said today
he may not go to Tassie after all.

mreddie said...

Did chuckle much at the Australian thoughts and they translate well in part because of the "Crocodile Dundee" movies. :) ec

bubba said...

I knew good ol steveie had a thing for croc's. lol.

Tan Lucy Pez said...

I loved this whole post!

And great ending with the blonde.

Big Dave T said...

Happy Australia Day. Funny stuff, Peter. I don't think of the Road Warrior as a loser. He's considered a hero there, isn't he?

JunieRose2005 said...

Lol- that BLONDE again!!



June

LZ Blogger said...

Peter - These were all funny! Thanks mate! But I never saw that thing at the Australia Zoo. Maybe I was just there OFF season! ~ jb/// P.S. What kind of a name is Beerwah for a city anyway?

Hale McKay said...

Great jokes - the ****** who pushed me. ...Don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle.

I love them. I liked all the thoughts too.

Jamie Dawn said...

Who pushed Jimmy in the pool??? We will never know.

After reading that Irwin joke, I'd say that there are dumb blonde women even in Australia.

Happy Australia Day!! I love your country.
Thanks for being an ally in the war on terror!!!

Laurie said...

Happy Australia Day!!!

Cliff Morrow said...

That last one was a classic Peter. On the partying, I've heard it said round a free keg, "my two favorite kinds of beer, free and cold".

kenju said...

Good post, Peter!

Marcus said...

Happy Australia Day Dad
lots of laughs in this lot.

Want to ask your advice on a business proposition when I get home to Busso.

Take care

StringMan said...

Top to bottom laughs! I had to look up a few of the Aussie-isms (Esky?), and that made it all the more fun. Happy Australia Day to you.

FTS said...

I didn't even know there was such a day. Guess I do now. Throw another shrimp on the barbie...

Karen said...

Happy Australia Day :-)

I have to say, Vegemite is a bit odd LOL A friend of mine sent me some a while back.

Enjoy your holiday!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

GREAT blonde joke, Dennis...er, uh, Jack....I mean...Harry... Oh, yes, GREAT blond joke, Mate.

poopie said...

Happy Aussie day!

Ms. Vickie said...

As usual, I am never on time but to think
I mixed the party. :lol:
Happy Australian Day

LZ Blogger said...

Forgot to wish you a Happy Australia Day Peter! ~ jb///