"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Marriage, a word or a sentence?


Hi Folks, I hope at least some of you are prepared to share
the blame for what I'm about to tell you, after just a few
words of encouragement my mate Warren has launched into
blogging, I suppose because we are in some way resposible
for this we should be charitable and welcome him.

The institute of marriage, where would we be without it.


While this may seem a little drastic, what would all the councellors
do if there were no marriages?


It's all a matter of setting your priorities..... right?


A Few Thoughts On Marriage.

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to. -- Henny Youngman

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.-- Phyllis Diller

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone
just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

Why does our nose run, and our feet smell?

Before I can retaliate, does someone first have to taliate?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Are diskettes actually female disks?

If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become Kitty Litter?

How did a fool and his money GET together?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

What was the BEST thing before sliced bread?

How come the keyboard doesn't have the "cents" sign?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If two out of five people suffer from migraines,
does that mean three people in five enjoy them?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children"
have a picture of a running child?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A MOM WHEN...

~ You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure
they're equal.

~ You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your
child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

~ You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

~ You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

~ You child throws up and you catch it.

~ Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

~ You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

~ You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without
anything touching.

~ Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in
the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.

~ You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your
husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and
checking on the kids.

~ You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one
your child eats.

~ You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

~ You hate the thought of his wife even more.

~ You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into
unusual shapes.

~ You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots
Bambi's mother.

~ You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during
his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without
looking back the second time.

~ You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

~ You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when
you say, "Not in your good clothes."

~ You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

~ You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a
day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

~ You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job,"
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair
of hands?


Hang In There !!!


Satan goes to church.



People were in their pews talking at church when suddenly Satan
appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.



Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his
presence.



So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know
who I am?"


The man replied, "Yep, sure do."


"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.


"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.


"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.


"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man in an even tone.


"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.


"Yep," was the calm reply.


"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.


"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't
you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"



17 comments:

Merle said...

Hi Peter ~ Thanks for letting me know about Wazzas Place - it looks good.
I enjoyed all the jokes that you have posted. All goodies. Take care, Merle.

Karen said...

The questions were a hoot! I needed the giggles.

Have a great day!

JunieRose2005 said...

Peter,

That MOM stuff is right on! I experienced all of that!

:) that last joke is pretty good!

June

Jacqui said...

Hi Peter,
I have been to visit Warren, glad you enjoyed the postcript to When etc., and I really enjoyed today's post.
cheers jacqui

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You cannot believe the number of times I have been frustrated by lack of a "cents" sign on my keyboard. I certainly don't need ^, or | and I could do without [ and ]. And on the numbers, there is nothing below the 5, which is where "cents" could go.

Boy I am sorry you brought this up.

Marcus said...

"Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

I snorted out loud when I got to that line!! Nice work.

Another convert I see, good stuff, thanks for the tip.

Vicki turned 47 today, if turning 70 didn't make you feel old that's got to have done the trick!

kenju said...

"Collie flour"???

That's so awful it's cute!

I'll go meet Warren now.

Raggedy said...

The post was full of things that made me laugh! WTG
Before sliced bread there was unsliced bread..hehe
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) meow hugs
(")_ (")Š from da Raggedy one

Da Gal said...

Ahhh Peter - I love counting on you for a few good belly chuckles. I like that you so warmly welcome other bloggers to the blog-o-sphere too. Your like the local welcome wagon. teehee

Enjoy your week!

Hale McKay said...

"Been married to your sister for 48 years!" LOL

...Great stuff, Peter. This post had a little of everything.

I welcomed "Wazza" aboard. So far, so good. i think he'll do just fine.

The Heir said...

i dont get the "been married to your sister for 48 years" line... whos his sister meant to be?, wait, think it just clicked...
wazzas place looks like fun

jules said...

Cute stuff, especially the satan joke...gotta love a good satan joke.

Miss Cellania said...

Those marriage quotations are FUNNY!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Those were HILARIOUS, Peter. I liked your blog. Can't keep good stuff like this a secret.

Big Dave T said...

All right. I missed a wedding shower for a co-worker today, so for my penance I had to come up with some advice on maintaining a long marriage. I'll just quote from your blog. Thanks. I've been married 26 years, but couldn't think of anything on my own.

Lucy said...

OK - you had me at the 1st cartoon..and then i could not quit reading. Fabulous post Peter - as usual.

Jim said...

Thanks, Peter, for the nice visit.
I checked out your blog too last night, I like. You have a lot of blogging to do, I see your comments sprinkled around a lot.
My keyboard has ¢ in MS Office, I made it to be Alt + C. It only works in Office, I have to paste it from there to elsewhere.

Also, I paid a visit to Warren last night. He seems to be off to a good start.
Come back when you can. Thanks.
..