"In the beginning"

Disclaimer

The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

From the world wide resourses of holtieshouse


I need to thank my dedicated team of research assistants for their

tireless efforts to locate the best stuff to help me amuse my loyal
readers.

Hope you enjoyed your cereal this morning was the caption
(Thanks Jules)

Not My Job, No other explanation necessary here. (Thanks Sandy)


Elite Chicken Farmer. (Thanks Lyle)

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks "What is your occupation?"

She replies " I'm a whore"

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer".

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."


New Wine for Seniors. (Thanks Robyn)

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as...

"

"

"


PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE.



URGENT WARNING. (Thanks Lyle)

I hate people that forward too many warnings, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on lice and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around a pole, do not do it!


IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.....


Emails. (Thanks Sandy)

There have been many times when I may have

Disturbed you...
Irritated you...
Bugged you...
Occasionally amused you
With my e-mails...
But today
I just wanna tell you, 
Because you are my friend ... 
 
  
I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!!!!!! 



The Blonde in the Casino  (Thanks Suzie)


An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand
dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude". With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed ...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.


Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The others answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching.

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,

BUT ALL MEN ARE MEN.



Emergency call.
(Thanks Jan)


"Send someone over quick! " the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"


Donkey Raffle. (Thanks Marcus)


A Cajun named Jean Paul moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer rove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya cain't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."



I would have included some of my mate Wazza's contributions here
but unfortunately even my censors wouldn't pass any of it, and you
know how lax my censors are!!!!

Suffice it to say that without my contributors, not all of whom are
bloggers, and not forgetting my most consistent one ANONYMOUS
this blog would have probably ceased to exist long ago,
THANK YOU ALL.





16 comments:

Katherine said...

Good ones! I especially liked the "elite chicken farmer!"

JunieRose2005 said...

WELLL... I liked the desperate call to the fire dept...


JunieRose ;)

Rachel said...

Very funny Peter. I really liked that Chicken Farmer joke!! ROFL!!!

Lee said...

Well, they helped brighten the day!

Joy Des Jardins said...

I must say...you've got quite a team there Peter. Some pretty good stuff. Happy day to you dear friend...

Maria said...

I love to come to your blog for my laughs. The Chicken Farmer joke is even funnier because in Nevada where prostituion is legal in some counties, a notorious house of ill-repute called The Chicken Ranch.

Ms. Vickie said...

Peter, thanks for the smiles today. You add so much to so many. Hope you are having a great week.

Meow said...

Chicken Farmer ... hahahaha.
Loved the photo of the little boy, too ... very cute !!
Take care, Meow

Puss-in-Boots said...

Remind me not to leave my bowl of cereal around Cooper when he doesn't have his Huggies on!

Good laughs, Peter, I love jokes! Must run in the family, you and Merle both post good jokes. Well, keep 'em coming!

Raggedy said...

Your post made my day!
Thank you for sharing.
You ROCK!

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

Cliff Morrow said...

I got my biggest laugh from you saying you actually have censors. Now I'll have trouble believing anything on your blog.

Donna said...

Great jokes, loved the Fire department call the best.
Keep it up I need a good laugh.
Donna

Pamela said...

oh the naked biker one just tickled my fancy.

especially since my hubby is both a biker and a retired firefigher.
(but not that kind of biker) he's truly a cyclist. He even wears his Lance Armstrong LIVESTRONG armband when he's wearing nothing else.
(:

Steve G said...

Much laughter came out of me reading this post. Thanks to you little helpers.

Jack K. said...

Very funny jokes.

I'd seen the photo before.

"Raising peckers." Too funny for words.

If you liked those jokes/gags/funny stories go to How Now Blue Cow for more funnies.

Hale McKay said...

Whee! Thanks for the ride with all the laughs. You had a plethora of good stuff on this post, Peter.