"In the beginning"


The views expressed in this blog are not necessarily the views of the blog management, (on the other hand, they are not necessarily not the views of the blog management).

No effort has been made to stay within the bounds of the truth in this blog as it has always been the view of the management that the truth should never be allowed to stand in the way of a good story.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

It's a bit chilly at Bunnings today.

Did you see the message about 9/11 above?? please read it.

I've always loved these "stories" that come to us by email especially when they are as funny as this one.

Beware you may s**t yourself laughing while reading this.

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee nothing happened. No 'Movement No. 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..

The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


karisma said...

Whats really funny about this is that it is so totally believable! Thanx for the morning laugh. Hugs xxxxx

Cliff said...

I was already to make a lot of comments here as I read on down. I got everything read but when I got down the hand that got hit with the saw, I kinda lost my appetite for reading. Man, THat hurts!!

WT said...

Very funny indeed, although I must say I was a bit confused for a minute. It didn't seem like your writing style, plus there were way too many Americanisms for it yo be you, so I was curious. The mystery was solved when I found that it was originally about a trip to Home Depot rather than Bunnings.

WT said...

Oh sorry, I should explain, I missed the bit where you said it came to you in an email, so I read it assuming that you wrote it.

Puss-in-Boots said...

Roflmao...and some! That is so funny and what makes it even funnier is that my brother manages a Bunnings store. Guess who's getting an email?

Puss-in-Boots said...

PS, hope you don't mind if I "borrow" it...I will return it if you insist...

karisma said...

Hey! Thanx for dropping by my "girlie" blog today! Just wanted to let you know I have not forgotten to keep Vicki and Rex AND you in my healing web! Look after yourself! Hugs xxxxx

kenju said...

Holy cow, Peter, that's hilarious!!

Christina said...

Hysterical!! Seriously, ROFLMAO!!!!

Junebug said...

Oh, that was a good laugh! Assplosion! great word.

Joy Des Jardins said...

Yep, I knew I'd get a good laugh here Peter...oh my God. Whatever are we going to do with you? Oh, my stomach hurts. Bad Peter.

Lyn said...

Hi Dad,
I'm never going to be able to go into another Bunnings store again without this story in mind and wondering whats going to be around the next corner! lol
Love Lyn x