Calling Heaven.

Today we have a mixed bag of goodies.

Calling Heaven...

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For Arabic please hang up now.

For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in
the order it was received.

Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy Spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his
social security number followed by the dollar sign.
If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please
hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact
your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

A Pet Frog.

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet
to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She
searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her
interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in,
she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'M SO LONELY, TOO, BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME
WITH, YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY."

The lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else.
So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front
seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down t he road, the frog whispered to
her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."

So the lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous,
sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE LADY'S KISS.

SUDDENLY THE LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM
HIS KISS.

NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLDER LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!

OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON -- DON'T BE A POOP!

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SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's older.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

OLDER LADIES ROCK!